Just Curious

[DsBlu01CivEX]

Just wondering (and we need something else to talk about in this thread) what exactly makes a girl approachable? And girls, what makes guys approachable?

I've been told before that I'm unapproachable and intimidating. I cannot for the life of me figure out why to either of these. I'm probably one of the most laid back, goofy people out there and yet I'm called unapproachable and intimidating.


Can anyone explain this? or at least give me tips on how to be approachable?

I typically don't approach guys unless I know them. So, I really don't know what makes a guy approachable.

I think it's body language and eye contact. See a person you think is cute, make eye contact, wink I dunno, do something to get them to notice that you noticed them and put you on the notice list too (God I'm biting fresh prince like crazy lately). But I'm not sure myself since well, you know my problem. I haven't had a single hit yet also :o

[mylittlecivic]

i agree with juv- a wave or smile something like that or just a look, also if you know they have the same interests as you then you can just talk to them about that automatic convo. But I'm a really shy person so its always been hard for me to make friends esp. of the opposite sex. But since i have a boyfriend other guys dont intimidate me and ive been able to make lots of new friends, then i introduce the guys to my girl friends and non of them talk to me anymore

[silver]

okay let's see (btw thanx for a new thread finally)
in terms of a girl being approachable, that really depends on the guy and his goal with the girl. okay let's look at the different goals.

hit it= he's looking for someone crazy and hopefully wasted. appearances are not really important unless he's trying to either impress his friends or boost his self esteem.

conversation it=some one easy to approach and talk to. the surrounding enviroment will play an important role in this. if its in the middle of the club we are not expecting a stimulating conversation, so we'll be looking at starbucks or maybe while shopping. somebody who is alone is an ideal target, friends make it difficult to get to know someone. we'll shy away from the really prissy and go for the one who looks like they'd rather read a book.

girlfriend it=guys aren't that naive to think that they'll find their next gf at the club, so don't go there looking for your next bf. guys like what they feel comfortable with just like girls do, so get togethers and parties at friend's houses are where we'll look(at work also). we figure that if they are hanging out with people that we know and associate with, they can't be that different from us, so we won't be that worried if you come dressed in all black with pink hair since we probably have the same interests to have the same friends. we probably won't look to talk with the one who is the life of the party, but rather the one who is her friend who doesn't say much but throws a cute smile at us now and then(and of course someone who isn't turned off during our 3rd keg stand of the night)

so girls if you see a guy that you like, just don't act turned off around him or play hard to get, cuz we'll just say whatever and move on to the next one. yes we are rather slow to pick up on signs that you give, so you can always make it easier by just flat out saying it. no we won't think you're easy or anything, its flattering to us too.

[DsBlu01CivEX]

I guess what I don't understand is that the occassional guy that does approach me is pretty much the exact same type of guy.....one that is old enough to be my father.

I've had guys hit on me at work that are there shopping with their 15 yr old daughters and stuff. I'm not that much older than their kids, and they are hitting on me. I'm not ready for all that. I just don't get it.

Its all in the subconcious,
Think about it like this. You are in a club. You and your boys or girls are standing around. All the sudden you catch the eye of the opposite sex. Your mind automatically clicks in and lets yourself know whether or not to flirt or walk away. In some instances you can be intimidating by the way you are dressed (high maintenence for the ladies) and (well guys some just need to have there moms pick out their clothes). Anyways back to what I was saying. Your eye catches something in that person that tells you to go further or not. And if the mind doesn't catch something just right then the whole thing is blown.

Dang these college courses are finally coming to use. Who would have ever known.

Chris

Well, if I was a 45 year old father, I'd hit on you also
But that's because you won't find a 25 year old with a sister, so chances are if he's in the bra area, he either a.) wants to see you try one on (which I'm still waiting for dammit) b.) is shopping for a gf (no go on this one) c.) is shopping for a "sister" (either a or b or both) c.)he's there with his gf (no go again)

so you're in the wrong work field to pickup guys your age.

[BlackWolf]

Strangely enough, I find that my tattoo is a conversation starter. LOL! Guys will say "Hey, I like your tat. Where'd you get it?" It's not like they're really interested in where you got it but in starting a conversation with you. I also find that it helps to eliminate guys I really don't want to talk too, like mama's boys. Something I really don't find attractive. When I'm at the club wearing my "standard issue" black club clothes with my arm showing, apparently I can indimidate guys just by standing there, think biker chick. When I wear long sleeved shirts, I've noticed that guys don't approach me as easily before (when I wore short sleeved shirts.) So yeah, I can see where just physical appearance can be something that makes you approachable or not. DsBlu, could it be that you're shy? I'm shy, well not as much as I used to be but it's something I've been working on over the years. I was told the same thing. I usually kept to myself in a crowd and was told that I was stuck up too. "WHAT? You don't even know me and you're gonna say that?" Needless to say, I've developed a whatever additude too. I don't go looking for anyone in peticular when I go out and maybe that's why guys approach me, trying to GET my attention. I'm not saying act like you don't care, just that you're there to have fun and it takes the edge off for them making you more approachable. For me, it could just be the fact I don't wear a bra when I go out either.

*ummmmmm nice, I like chics without bras* care to show us a pic?

[DsBlu01CivEX]

Dimitry...the example I gave was actually when I worked in the shoe dept not the bras and panties!!!! Actually it kinda creeps me out when guys are shopping in the intimates part of my dept.

And yah Blackwolf, I noticed my tat is a convo starter too. *mental note, wear more backless shirts* I am somewhat shy, but compared to the girls that I'm usually with, I'm the outgoing one. I think maybe it has a lot to do with my body language. I normally stand with my arm crossed across my chest. That's when I'm not holding a drink, which is a lot more common these days since I don't have the money to spend on buying drinks out. I try not to, but I feel uncomfortable standing any other way. I don't go out looking for someone...and I kinda have the "whatever" attitude your talking about. I guess I just need to develop it a little more.

Oh and the no bra thing....that would NEVER work for me. I'm a little too busty to do that. They might hurt someone!!!! The girls must have some support. I tend to "forget" the other undergarment we wear.

[Whiteclipse99]

I give up! I think I'm just gonna move to Timbukto!

I can't figure guys out. I know you all say it's not that hard, but I guess I just don't get guys.

somebody who is alone is an ideal target, friends make it difficult to get to know someone.

I have found this to be true. The other week I was at a club with my girl friends and I decided to go and sit down for a little while. I was sitting peacefully by myself for a good 5-7 minutes until a guy came up to me and asked if the seat next to me on the couch was taken. I said no, so he sat and proceeded to hit on me. He was nice, except for the drunk speech slurring and spitting on my shoulder when talking. Note to guys: While alcohol my be a confidence booster as well as a way to loosen up, it isn't attractive to hit on a girl when your completely drunk and can't carry a conversation.

Well same thing here, I can't figure girls out. D and Erin, I'll take both of you guys under my watchful eye anytime hehe
oh and D, bad bad girl!! very bad!! and I like it!

Yeah, that was hot stuff. Good times.

And I'm with Juv, I don't get women.

I dunno, I guess guys were meant not to get girls and girls were meant not to gey guys.

Fun ain't it?

SolPol, my brotha from another motha...join my club of "I'm single and shit outta luck" will ya? I at least need 2 members to make this a real club

I'm in, might as well be in a club for it. Get something outta the deal

Damn straight! I'm working on a benefits package for us. Will get as much sponsorship from such people as lucas arts, mircosoft, rogers (the guys who support the single and well somewhat nerdy lifestyle)

Yeah, that all sounds about right. Can't wait for the first meeting.

[Whiteclipse99]

Originally posted by juvenile
SolPol, my brotha from another motha...join my club of "I'm single and shit outta luck" will ya? I at least need 2 members to make this a real club

Oh yeah, well D and I already started a club like that, but for females...we haven't made it official yet, but our meetings usually consist of bitching about the opposite sex during car rides and other times when we feel necessary (which turns out to be a lot). And we've got you beat....we have 3 members. Although one member has recently moved to Cali. Hopefully she's having better luck out there than she did here.

You know, i have always been skeptical of "groups" of girls. Its like i get the vibe that they are out with a "group" of guys that are not with them at that moment.

Honestly, when i go out i dont approach girls unless they are in groups of 3 or less and are acting relaxed - standing with crossed arms screams "LEMME ALONE!"

hope that helps

[DsBlu01CivEX]

Originally posted by cashizslick

Honestly, when i go out i dont approach girls unless they are in groups of 3 or less and are acting relaxed - standing with crossed arms screams "LEMME ALONE!"

well it's normally only myself and my 2 best girl friends that are out together. But unless I'm dancing, I'm standing with my arms crossed......Guess I am unapproachable.


What exactly am I supposed to do with my arms/hands when I'm standing there without a drink? Shoving them in my pockets doesn't work, and I don't like just lettin' 'em hang......so how should I stand?

i'll talk to any girl that makes eye contact with me more then once.

I got the same problem as you DsBlue, i don't know where to put my hands either...

Going back on the "not understanding girls" thing, catch this... on friday we were walking around and meet two girls and asked them to drink w/us, they agreed and me and this girl were talking all night. Later in the night she gives me looks and smiles, whispers precautions and stuff in my ear and then she asks me to go to another party w/her. At this party she holds my hand, so i'm thinking i'm in right...i get her alone go for the kiss and get shoot down....whats that about?

[Kyle]

Originally posted by MegaDON
I got the same problem as you DsBlue, i don't know where to put my hands either...

Going back on the "not understanding girls" thing, catch this... on friday we were walking around and meet two girls and asked them to drink w/us, they agreed and me and this girl were talking all night. Later in the night she gives me looks and smiles, whispers precautions and stuff in my ear and then she asks me to go to another party w/her. At this party she holds my hand, so i'm thinking i'm in right...i get her alone go for the kiss and get shoot down....whats that about?

yeah...that's kinda odd...lol
maybe you came on a little strong at the end?

???? and they say guys are confusing!!

[ShagginJet]

Rough subject. Just get over the fear of rejection, grow some balls, and make your move. I've scored girls that were miles out of my league just because I had the balls to ask.

For me...I can say that guys think I am intimidating as well...and as most of you said...it is the body language...because I knw sometimes when I am in deep thought....I can get this look onmy face like I am ready to kill someone...he he he ...but it ain't like that. I think that guys should approach girls regardless of their body language, if they really must know the low down on someone.
I did once take one of my guy friends to this nightclub (I live in Vegas) because he was searching for a girlfriend. He told me that he approached 4 girls and they just rejected him...so I don't think nightclubs are a great place to go lookin for girls...
Definately schools and house parties.
One thing I don't like about guys and that makes me cut them off...is when they come up to me either with some jacked up line...or they just come at me with a non-intelligent conversation. I also don't like it when they play messenger...like when somebody likes you and they have their friends come and talk to you for them...that's lack of testosterone there!!! Talk to a girl for yourself...more brownie points.

That's my point of view...

[DsBlu01CivEX]

Originally posted by Kool-Aid
I also don't like it when they play messenger...like when somebody likes you and they have their friends come and talk to you for them....

I despise this....I always tell the "messenger" if his friend really wants to get to know me or get my number, he can come over and ask for it himself. It shows more initiative and interest if you do it yourself.

Yep...thats right

About being intimidating and unapproachable.....

Guys aren't as secure as you would think they should be. Maybe none of the guys have enough confidence to approach you. It happens to really good looking girls.

In terms of convo starters, you can't depend on a tattoo, you gotta be more versatile. Just be yourself, if he's reading a magazine ask him what it is, because its looks interesting.

I like clever girls. For exmaple when your at the gym and you see a guy you want to talk to ask him if he needs a spot for his next set.

Originally posted by DsBlu01CivEX
well it's normally only myself and my 2 best girl friends that are out together. But unless I'm dancing, I'm standing with my arms crossed......Guess I am unapproachable.


What exactly am I supposed to do with my arms/hands when I'm standing there without a drink? Shoving them in my pockets doesn't work, and I don't like just lettin' 'em hang......so how should I stand?

well, if you seem to be having a good time, it will be easier for a guy to approach you. You see, its all in finding common ground . . . if it looks to me like i could possibly come up with something to talk to you about (like how good the music is at this club, or whatever) then i will approach you.

[GT40FIED]

Ok...so I've followed this post for a while though I've not yet posted. Here's my $0.02...there is no such thing as an unapproachable or intimidating woman. That is, unless she's got a boyfriend who's visible or she's acting like a total bitch. Men use this excuse as a defense mechanism. I don't care what guys say, they use this excuse to avoid rejection. If we feel like we can talk to you, we will. But much like many of you ladies, men have self esteem issues too. If we've been shot down a lot we're much less likely to talk to that pretty girl at the end of the bar. My main beef is that somehow it all comes back to the guys. Why can't women be the instigators and come and talk to US for a change. It's always got to be the guy buying a girl a drink or initiating the conversation. You women want to be treated equal? Start acting equal. Chat up a guy or buy HIM a drink. That makes you much more approachable if there's a slight hint that you're interested. I know, I know...there will be some guys out there who take this the wrong way, but the right guys won't. And really...do you think you're going to find the love of your life in a club or a bar? This is why 50% of all marriages fail. You hook up at a night spot, have a few dates and all of a sudden you're soulmates. I don't give a shit what anyone says, 99% of all human beings will NEVER find a suitable mate in a bar. If you're just out for a good time and meet a guy at a bar...that's cool. Nothing wrong with the occassional casual sex. But don't go there expecting Mr. Right...you'll just find Mr. Right Now. So why concern yourself with what guys in bars and clubs think? True happiness often comes when you least expect it and from a most unlikely source. So keep your eye on that guy at work that sizes you up from time to time but won't say anything or that friend of a friend who always seems to smile around you but doesn't talk much. You'll get much more out of that than some wannabe stud you pick up at a bar on ladies night.

Ok...I am the old-fashioned type so I WON"T go up to a guy and ask him out...it's been that way for years and years before our time so Im used to it this way...so no..I will not ever ask a guy out. When I go out dancing and Im all lookin cute and I see some guy just chillin...Ill go up to him and ask him to dance...definately...nothing wrong with dancing...but not on a date. So you cannot blame the females for not coming up to you and asking you out because of women and society way before our time...it was basically taboo for women to ask guys out...and I know it's the newage but as I said before...Im used to being approached. If a guy does approach me...I woud definately talk to him but if I am not interested...Im not gonna make him feel like shit or nuthin...I would just tell him that I would rather be friends and take his number so we can talk or whatever...

[ShagginJet]

^^ So then when a girl approaches then you know you're in right...? I mean if she's bothering to make the first move then it's pretty damn clear that she's down...?

[GT40FIED]

Kool-Aid...your response seems to me to be another sort of cop out. I understand what you're saying, but the logic behind your morals are antiquated and out of date...not the ideals you grew up with. Women in today's society are not taught to sit idlely by while the things they want pass them by. This is a time of empowerment for both women and men so I find it hard to believe that you grew up with such morals presented to you. The times you're talking about are also the times when women were to be seen and not heard...is this an ideal you embrace as well? To me your response is just as much of a defense mechanism as men saying that a woman is intimidating or unapproachable. If you don't hit on a guy there's no chance of rejection. Believe me...I know a thing or two about rejection. Most people will concoct any excuse necessary to avoid the possibility that they will be rejected. If you're used to guys approaching you then it's easier. If he doesn't approach you he's not worth your time, right? In reality the guy who won't approach you is probably more worth your time than the guy who is so self absorbed he thinks he's sooooooo worth your time. Women need to learn to break out of this bullshit role of the passive figure in relationships and become fully actuated members of their own relationships. To say otherwise only lessens they're grip on the social concept of what a relationship really is and lowers it back to the ideals of which you speak...when women were to be approached and not to approach. As for myself, I won't approach women...but at least I'm honest about because I know that I've been shot down so many times it's almost a given that any woman I DO approach will produce the same result. That's honesty...not a cop out.

Its rather simple, if you exude much self confidence and you have a strong look about you as though you can handle yourself, then most guys don’t bother with the chance they can get shot down. At the same time, if you show that you for certain got it going on and you are comfortable with who you are, then it may be (often is) misinterpreted to mean something totally the opposite or it may be read as an unapproachable trait leading to the above mentioned thing for the guys. Personally I like that charistic in a woman especially—it’s a challenge and usually worth the effort and time to get to know someone. Body Language does play into it somewhat, however, it’s the same as above—if you are confident and know who you are, then its all about the opposite sex having the nerve to step up and deal with a confident, strong woman. In tha sense, you raise the level of the ‘game’ to your standards. It’s a BS filter if you will. Why on earth would you compromise that just to talk to a cute guy? If he cannot be himself and meet you on your merits, isn’t that a waste of time? It also depends on what you want in your life…

As a guy, I had bouts earlier on in life about those hotties that were ‘out of my league’ and you know what… it was a crock. Nothing is out of reach if you have the courage to reach for it—you still have a 50/50 shot. Its like life, you win some and you lose some
Its all about being real and honest with yourself… knowing what you want in your life and willing to try to find it while knowing that you may chose wrong sometimes.

It's not a cop out at all...I've never been rejected...so Im not afraid to approach a guy...I just think it's something for me not to do...I feel that it would be tacky for ME to do so...and I won't. I don't judge a guy on whether he's worth my time by whether he approaches me or not...I think a guy is worth my time if he's good at heart. Im not cocky nor stuck up...it's just what I have grown up to understand...that girls aren't to go and ask guys out...i was brought up that it makes me look inappropriate...so yea...I have been brought up that way.

Originally posted by Kool-Aid
It's not a cop out at all...I've never been rejected...so Im not afraid to approach a guy...I just think it's something for me not to do...I feel that it would be tacky for ME to do so...and I won't. I don't judge a guy on whether he's worth my time by whether he approaches me or not...I think a guy is worth my time if he's good at heart. Im not cocky nor stuck up...it's just what I have grown up to understand...that girls aren't to go and ask guys out...i was brought up that it makes me look inappropriate...so yea...I have been brought up that way.

Your a big flirt (I'm guessing) so any guy that doesn't go for it when it comes to asking you out, well he's a dumbass.

GT40fied knows waz up

I understand what GT40FIED is saying here but I've got to throw in the support for Adrieanne here.

The problem is that any individual is raised withing a given social construct and it is not deemed acceptable to wander outside of its boundaries. If a girl is raised in a situation where it is deemed inappropriate to approach guys, it is very hard to overcome that. What an individual knows to be appropriate or inappropriate is a product of personal experience in social situations and upbringing. To say a girl is copping out because she thinks it's tacky to approach a guy isn't fair. If you feel tacky doing something, then for all intents and purposes you are tacky doing it. Consider the idea that we are no more than we think we are. And what we think we are is very difficult to overcome due to its roots. Copping out is simply taking the easy route, however overcoming years of programming, learning, or experience is certainly not a cop out.

The fact of the matter is that each of us perceives a social situation our own unique way. It is part of both the joy and frustraction of interacting with others.

To think it's not right to do something just because that's how it has been done for years is definitely a cop out, however to feel awkward and thus avoid doing it is different. There's a difference between acting based upon morals/rules than feelings/perceptions.

b

[Wren57]

I have no idea what makes girls approachable, or what makes guys approachable, all I know is that I generally don't just start talking to girls without a friend introducing me first. That shall change this weekend. All lines to the exGF have been cast off, I'm out to have some FUN this weekend. I'm gonna run some experiments with picking up girls and will get back to everyone. Thank goodness there is a plentiful supply of test subjects here. And before you start saying it is bad of me to "use" these girls as "test subjects", rest damn assured, they will like it .