Philosophies of Sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things
> that money can buy."
> --Tom Clancy
>
> "You know "that look" women get when they want sex?
> Me neither."
> --Steve Martin
>
> Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd
> better have a good hand."
> --Woody Allen
>
> "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."
> --Rodney Dangerfield
>
> "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal,
> particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
380SL."
> --Lynn Lavner
>
> "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at
the
> taxidermist."
> --Matt Barry
>
> "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
> --Camille Paglia
>
> "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight
are
> unimportant."
> --George Burns
>
> "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
> relationships."
> --Sharon Stone
>
> "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's
> reading."
> --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
>
> "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
> --Jack Nicholson
>
> "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but
he
> never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
> --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady-and you didn't think Barbara had
a
> sense of humor)
>
> "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals
> through his wallet."
> --Robin Williams
>
> "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only
> time of the month that I can be myself."
> --Roseanne
>
> "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
> --Billy Crystal
>
> "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing
> in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
> They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
just
> grateful."
> --Robert De Niro
>
> "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
are
> having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe
> swelling. So what's the problem?"
> --Dustin Hoffman
>
> "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I
know
> what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
> --Jerry Seinfeld
>
> "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like
> and just give her a house."
> --Rod Stewart
>
> "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough
> blood to run one at a time."
> --Robin Williams

Those are all great

[94_AcCoRd_EX]

Hehe

[mylittlecivic]

lol theres alot of funny stuff there

[IALuder]

Mauahaha Nice!

[CD5Passion]

My personal favorite is the last one from Robin Williams

[DsBlu01CivEX]

I like Steve Martin's quote....and Barbra Bush's.....

[ebpda9]

LMAO

Does anyone have their own philosophies about sex?

[LadySi2000]

Good ones...I've read them before but still very funny.

[Daviso27]

Originally posted by Shardsofxapril
My personal favorite is the last one from Robin Williams

Check out the one by Sharon Stone...that one is a damn shame...ha ha ha

hahah.......those are great

Barbara Bush... ouch

I've noticed that no one has offered up any of their own philosophies 2 u yet Kool-Aid... So I will take the intiative and try 2 get this philosophical brew-hah-hah jump started... 'Course my philosophy is more on the subject of masterbation and goes as such... " When an individual of what would seemingly be sound mind begins 2 speak lovingly and shower affection upon one's own appendage, then it is high time 4 said individual 2 seek professonal treatment" Of course this in turn poses the question, "If I'm argueing with my right hand because its jealous of the left, do I seek a psychiatrist or a marriage councellor?" - From the profound and perplexing intellect of Sigmund Bean

That reminds me of that one stand up comedian that does the act on masturbation. Hes like "Women have so many different ways of masturbation. They've got their dildos, vibrators, pocket rockets, hell they can even get off on a washing machine. With guys all we've got is our hands. My friend tries to tell me that using the left hand is like a totally different person. Ya, a retarded person! Hell, I cant even load the dishwasher with my left hand how the hell do you expect me to jack off with it?" Not exact quote but somewhere along those lines...Oh ya, its Jay Mohr. He then procedes to talk about those vibrating shower heads and how its harassing his nuts.
Edit: I had it as Dane Cook...I dont know where that came from but it was Jay Mohr...

Eureka... The light of inspiration has shone upon me once again and it is time 4 Professor Bean 2 expound some more wisdom upon the philosophies of sex... This lesson is targeted 2 all my fellow males in attendance (ladies please feel free 2 agree with or add 2 what I am about 2 profess)... Gentleman, its pretty well granted knowledge that we tend 2 want sex pretty much on a continuous basis (This is instinctual, but that is another lecture on the human/animal psyche that we will converse 2 a greater extent on another day)... Now here is where the philosophy comes into play, so listen closely men... 2 receive more sex (and better sex) you must learn 2 use your big head (the one setting upon your neck that houses your brain) in the bedroom more so than the little one (of course here is where I'll get the posts about "its not little" or " I'm hung like such and such"... first off, just bear in mind that inferiority manifests itself in over exxageration... second off, females are genetically constructed 2 birth children, so when you set down and think about a ten pound little human pushing its way out, trust me fellas "its" little) Instead of worryin' so much about gettin' off then falling 2 sleep, you need 2 learn 2 pay attention 2 details... Learn how to read body signals (which with a little practice is not that hard 2 do) and show the person you are with that you are focused on them and want them 2 enjoy themselves 2... Also get yourself in shape 4 sex... meaning there are techniques 2 improve you stamina, improve your erection, and even improve "your" orgasim as well as that of your partner... Lastly, and this is the hardest part for most guys (kinda like when u r driving and get lost) DON"T BE AFRAID 2 ASK QUESTIONS and let the female direct u 2 "her" right spots... not every person is the same so don't assume u know because its what worked on someone else... basically what this "philosophy" boils down 2 is "PAY ATTENTION" and you will see rewards 4 your efforts... Oh yeah one final note... 2 all u guys who turn your nose at performing oral sex on your partner (but still think you should receive) u r either self centered or 2 self conscious and need 2 grow up... besides u r missing out on one of the best parts of sex... loosen up... trust me guys I'm just tryin' 2 help you get more of what you want (and the same goes 2 all the ladies... if I can get thru most guys thick skulls you will be benefitting from this also ) - The Sexual Therepist, Doctor Bean Westheimer (oh and by the way the guys the next class will be on the importance of aroma, lighting, and how surroundings make or break the mood... I'll also touch base on tactile response and the importance of knowing "how 2 touch") (See Kool Aid told ya' I was gonna get this brew - ha - ha goin' and yes surprise!!! I can also present serious philosophies as well as the corny ones - Beanbandit

correction... exaggeration... sorry I was pretty tired while writing - The self editing BANDITO

Good shit...yes yes yes...

Thank ya darlin'... Just tryin' 2 spread some knowledge on how 2 spread some love... ( Bean disclaimer - It is currently past 28 and a half hours that I have been awake so the sleep deprivation is kickin' in hard, so this may get silly tonight... also please forgive any typos... I like 2 believe my brain is like a finely tuned Italian V-12, except right now I'm only firein' on about 2 cylinders ) ( Of course I'm of English and French decent, so I'm still not sure how I got an Italian brain... maybe that's why I'm so mixed up!!!) Guess that's a bad analogy for a forum on Hondas.... REFERENCE 2 ITALIAN SPORTS CARS!!! BLASMPHEMER!!! sorry guys please don't send me 2 the lions, or the sharks with frickin' lazer beams........ Whew alrighty guess I'm way of track 2nite ( warned u ) Anywho.... Just wanted 2 send you a howdy Kool - Aid from what I've read of your posts you seem like someone who could actually hold their own in stimulating conversation - hope 2 chat wit ya soon... And I promise that next time I'm on this string I'll post some more nifty philosophies on the matters o' sex ( Need 2 keep educatin' these fine young gentlemen on the proper way 2 shower love upon all you beautiful women ) * with a bow, a kiss upon the hand, and the giving of a single perfect rose * I bid you all a fair adeu - Don Juan DeBandito

good stuff....

Well vtchgrl2k2 here's a thank you 2 you 2 darlin'... Like I was sayin' 2 Kool - Aid... Just tryin' 2 better educate all these fine boys (With some groomin'... I'll have them all versed in proper bedroom etiquette in no time ) * the light from the candle casts a warm glow upon the room as a hand rises 2 gently caress your face* farewell 4 now - Don Juan DeBandito

Philosophies of Sex...I wonder if everybody has their own philosophy of sex...my new philosophy is to try to not have sex until I'm married...

Thats not part of my sex philosophy but it's held true unfortunately... Kinda hard to have philosophies on sex when you haven't had it...(once again you can laugh at the virgin 17 yr. old...that doesn't drink either)

Sheit...ain't nothing wrong with not drinking nor having sex...I wish I could go back in time...I would want to be a virgin until marriage

WARNING!!! HEED THIS ADVICE!!! Do not... I repeat... DO NOT save yourself 4 marriage... This antiquated ritual is a hand me down from the holistic bible thumpin' days of our fore fathers... And trust me if things go wrong, which they most likely will, you are just setting yourself up for the absolute worst pain that you have ever felt in your life... I speak from experience... I waited until I was 23... yes 23... to have sex with my now ex-wife... and it something that you really never get over, because you saved yourself 4 that one special person, who turned around and ripped your heart out... Love fades away... Pain you just learn 2 cope with... Now this is not by any means me telling you "Hey go out and F@#$ like rabbits. " ... What I am saying is hind sight is 20/20 and you will more than likely reach a point where you will regret having waited (Or there is also the possiblity that once you are married years down the road you might start wondering is it different with someoneelse - disclaimer: This is not what happened in my case my ex just deceided out of the blue that she didn't want 2 be married anymore - and get yourself in trouble - and 2 answer that question 4 you now "Yes it is very different with different people." ) Oh yeah... one last thing... PRACTICE SAFE SEX (std or unplanned pregnancy... you really don't wan't either) - Beanbandit

Yea, I don't think I'll be able to wait until marriage to have sex again...I love sex and affection...I love men and penises...now that I am thinkin about it...it was just something I have said because of my current heartache...

lets get things straight... pain would be an std or having to raise a kid pay check to pay check. broken hearts heal, and so to most std's but kids are for life.

you are no worse of having waited. You're relationship didnt fail because you wait and you're life would be better having slept two or three women.

^ Was someone trying to define pain?

[Rob]

Originally posted by beanbandit
WARNING!!! HEED THIS ADVICE!!! Do not... I repeat... DO NOT save yourself 4 marriage... This antiquated ritual is a hand me down from the holistic bible thumpin' days of our fore fathers... And trust me if things go wrong, which they most likely will, you are just setting yourself up for the absolute worst pain that you have ever felt in your life... I speak from experience... I waited until I was 23... yes 23... to have sex with my now ex-wife... and it something that you really never get over, because you saved yourself 4 that one special person, who turned around and ripped your heart out... Love fades away... Pain you just learn 2 cope with... Now this is not by any means me telling you "Hey go out and F@#$ like rabbits. " ... What I am saying is hind sight is 20/20 and you will more than likely reach a point where you will regret having waited (Or there is also the possiblity that once you are married years down the road you might start wondering is it different with someoneelse - disclaimer: This is not what happened in my case my ex just deceided out of the blue that she didn't want 2 be married anymore - and get yourself in trouble - and 2 answer that question 4 you now "Yes it is very different with different people." ) Oh yeah... one last thing... PRACTICE SAFE SEX (std or unplanned pregnancy... you really don't wan't either) - Beanbandit

:insert clapping hands here:

I honestly think it's a good thing for some people, who can do it, save themselves for that special someone. Nothing wrong with saving yourself...in my opinion...

Biker's back... my marriage failed because my ex-wife believed she was Cinderella and had a hard time coping with the really real world (Funny side note... many of her own best friends agree with that last statement ) As for the subject of pain... pain I can deal with... pain is normal... pain lets you know that you are alive... The misconception here is that broken hearts mend... They don't, they just make you adapt... They force you to take your sadness and your bitterness and reform the whole way you view life ( This is so much the worse if you have saved yourself as I had )... You see if I'm merely touching on a very small part of the way that sort of pain can effect a person... This is a forum based on the notions of philosopy and I could write volumes on the make-up of human life in general, that would probably leave some of our dear viewers a little mind numb - Bean

If you've got the time, I'm always up for reading.

What I was getting at, is you arent any worse off having saved yourself. What it would seem happened is you married the wrong woman, from the sounds of it is high maintence. Now if you were driven to marry her because you wanted to have 'sex under marriage' I understand what you're saying. But to opening denounce waiting until you're married is another thing.

Originally posted by Kool-Aid
^ Was someone trying to define pain?

Yes and no. Its all about prosepective kool-aid. So many people get caught up in the here and now and lose their direction. People have a bad month in a relationship and feel its the reason to go cheat on their wives/husbands.

I was trying to put prospective on it.

See...I may be weird...but I would and could NEVER cheat on someone just because of those reasons...I couldn't cheat on anyone at all...I believe that I am 99.9% loyal...but what do I know, right?? That's what I think I am. I think that cheating provokes more pain than before the cheating...sort of like...digging a much larger hole...mountain of a mow-hill...am I making sense?
I think that pain comes in different "perspectives" and types...different measures as well...I think that cheating on someone you've been dating for a year is far less painful than cheating on someone you've been married to for 10 years...
They're both f'ed up situations but two different measures of pain...is this understandable?? Agree or disagree??

Holy Sheep Shit!!! Guess its been awhile since I've been around... Not quite sure who that mopey fella was up there gripein' about his ex... musta been my nemesis the evil, anti - bean... Anywayz...... It ain't my place 2 tell ya all what ta do or think... Have fun

I guess...

[black95gs-t]

Originally posted by No.1_Stunna
Thats not part of my sex philosophy but it's held true unfortunately... Kinda hard to have philosophies on sex when you haven't had it...(once again you can laugh at the virgin 17 yr. old...that doesn't drink either)

I gotcha beat. 22 yr., don't drink, smoke, and have never done drugs. Talk about a goodie 2 shoes.