dead beat friends, but also long time friends

So I’ve got two friends of mine that seem to be falling short of expectations.

Firstly, ever since I got my license and my car I was always the one doing more of the driving; expect for one winter when I cancelled my policy because I wasn’t going to be driving much. I had a decent job so paying for the gas we burned just cruising around town didn’t bother me. I figured my friends would, in time, catch up. Well it hasn’t happened yet!

So this year is my first summer without a car, fortunately my gf has a car so we can still goto the beach. Well it just so happens that whenever we go no one seems to be able to get their own cars to go. One’s is his fathers and he just can’t have it and the other drives a car that is questionable at those distances. So my gf and I footed the bill the first couple times, but the situation never changed. So I said “ok guys from now on we’re sharing the bill on these long trips”; remember this does not include all the Friday and Saturday nights we drive them and pay for parking when we go out. So they start paying.

Now you think this would be ok, but something really erked me today. One of them was able to drive, first time to the beach in AGES. My gf and I buy him lunch to say THANK YOU for finally driving. But when we get back the bill is like $34 and he asked ‘how can we split this 3 ways?’, just so happens neither she nor I have any more cash on us so we can’t pay him.

The moment we get out of the car she knows it’s bugging me and this particular person has gone on dozens of $50-$60 bike trips (that’s just the gas) and I never once asked him to help out. SO I feel like I’m being taken advantage up. Let me sum up the points

1. many bike trips worth 300-600$ in gas I spent
2. many beach trips never asked for money
3. more recently I changed that because people aren’t stepping up

That’s one issue with one friend, and here’s another that spans one or more of them.

I used to have BBQ’s at my place a few times a summer, I’d invite some good friends and treat them to drinks and food on me. The idea was they would return the favour, but they never did, nor did anyone try to help me out AT ALL. So this summer I decided to say, ok I’ll bring the burgers, provide the place and music; just bring the rest. So one guy brings like $4 in buns and the others carry their share in booze and so on.

Next month the cheap dude ($4) holds his first BBQ and invites myself and my gf. On the way over there from up north a friend calls me to tell me it’s going to be $15/each to go. I almost flipped out. Anywho, so we get there and he has the nerve to ask me for money. I say “You know, I think you owe me for all the BBQ’s I’ve held” and in the end he says ‘we’re even’. Well I’ll tell you what I had one burger, and that doesn’t come close to the dozens of booze and burgers you’ve had at my place.

This guy also always seems to an issue with my gf, either he likes her and is burning up inside why he can’t have her or he’s into me. But there can’t be an evening that goes by where he doesn’t say something stupid about how he can drink more then her or something degrading towards her. It shows a total lack of respect for her and me and I’ve told my gf that the next time it happens she’ll need to get some of the guys to pull me off him because I’ll rip him apart. This lack of respect which he may or may not know he has is the reason he’s never had a gf.

These same two guys of late, are not the ones to make plans and every time I go out with them it seems like I’m getting ripped off with the bills. It’s so bad I get separate bills, how sad is that?

This same cheap guy’s birthday came up recently, and we all decide to buy him a game system (forget what we go, but its sweet) we got him a game and a second controller so he doesn’t have to. It’s the nicest gift the group of us has ever given and it’s the first time we’ve pooled our resources to get a kick ass gift. So I haven’t see or heard from him for 2-3 weeks and it wasn’t until tonight when I invited myself, gf and the second dude over that I’ve seen him. He was doing nothing.


One of these guys I’ve known all my life and the other one I’ve had his back since we met.


Sum it up: I have two friends who are really screwing things up. Every time we do something with them I’m paying for it either in cash or the time we waste making it work for them. On top of that one of them is being very disrespectful towards me gf and I. I’m noticing that the relationship is deterating and after talking with some other friends I’m about to say screw it, however I’ve known these guys for too long just to say that. It also didn't always used to be like this.

You’re thoughts? To keep them as friends or not?

[CD5Passion]

i think you need to seriously take them aside and say "hey man, you're my bro and this is why I'm gonna tell you this instead" tell em whats up, have a serious discussion and if they flip well then to hell with em. If they are friends they will understand where you're coming from and hopefully try to right the situation.

course I have a friend who is pretty much a dead beat, I've come inches away from laying him flat on the road but he's one of my good good friends, had he been anyone else then there would've been a problem. but he's cheap, we used to drive his ass everywhere because he didnt wanna pay for gas, granted he drove a bigass ford truck, but he would only rarely offer to pay for ANYTHING.we all confronted him and now he is fine, in fact he tries to make up for it. God knows I've ripped my friend off, literally smoking his money, and I feel like a gigantic ass, whcih reminds me i need to give hime a 50.

so really do what you feel is needed, or talk to him. punch him in the face or something and then makeup

With one of them talking might actually work. However with the other one I've had ot correct his behavior on some many occations i'm getting tried of it. Maybe it would be easier to just accept them for who they are, however this would mean they would no longer be my close friends and would slip into being something else.

[ChrisCantSkate]

honestly, i dont think about money with my friends. i know it feels nice when they return the favor, but if they dont, and as long as they're not asking me for shit causing me a headache i dont even think about it.

i agree though it is messed up for him to ask for money.

Well see i never used to think about money, but man am I getting screwed here left right and center. It's not right for friends not to pay their half of shit or to cause more then their share of shit.

[CD5Passion]

he's right being friends is a mutual relationship, you should look out for eachother in everyway. You think about the others spendings and if you're invovled then you help em out. Hell me and my best friend constantly hook eachother up. One of us need cash, we help out and we pay eachother back no questions asked

well i'm always the one tipping the waiter because they wont, or I always have a $20 in the pile when my meal was only $13 or I'll be the only one that has change for parking or better yet i'll be the only one who can drive.

it just ads up and to top it off one of my broke my gfs window even after she told them a few times not to play with it and now wont pay. Even at dealer cost the dam thing is like $650 because the motor and mounts are blown because they were screwing aroud so much.

[VR4_Craver]

no need to tally bills you should have just said "Hey I aint your daddy, and you aint giving me sexual favors. So I aint paying for you."

[mylittlecivic]

Aren't "friends" just wonderful

Hmm..yeah seems like you do have some issues with your friends. I agree with some of the stuff you said there, it's really not nice of them to do that. Did you try speaking about all these problems with them or did you post it here first? I mean, it's nice to get advice from others on how to confront certain issues, but sometimes, like someone else said, coming up to each of them individually and not accusing but just speaking about what the problem might be, might actually solve the problems. Try that, let us know how it goes. If you need any help in this, give me a shout and I'll try and help you out.
One question though, regarding the gf issue. Was that friend saying it in a degrading fashion? Maybe he was just joking around with her as if she one of the guys. I know I joke around with one of my friends gf sometimes but it's meant as more of a joke than anything else. Us guys joke around like that so I don't see why you can't do that with the gfs either. Anyways, try speaking, not accusing, with your friends and tell them each problem that your having, not just "you're not a good friend anymore". And let them give their side of the story on the issue also, without getting mad and saying something like "see, I knew you wouldn't understand". Because sometimes it might be a big misunderstanding with some of the things. And honestly, I dont' liek it when my friends don't talk to me about what problems they're having and I have to find out through other people that there's something wrong. Anyways, this is long enough as it is...good luck with all this.

Well I wanted other opinions abuot how to deal with this before I dealt with it because I'm a very aggressive personality and none of my friends are.

I wanted to deal with this in a balanced way.