.:HSTuners::

Wren57 · 08-19-2003, 08:19 PM

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
back in our cubicles (or offices) and suddenly felt something brewing down
below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide
for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend
it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until
everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can
help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist...... can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look
around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If
this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This
way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water..... often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
well as the other bathroom attendees.

I hope you have found this useful.

94_AcCoRd_EX · 08-19-2003, 08:38 PM

OMG that's funny stuff

ebpda9 · 08-19-2003, 08:55 PM

08-19-2003, 10:16 PM

ahahahaha!

08-19-2003, 10:52 PM

LOL......those are hilarious...

08-19-2003, 11:23 PM

hahaha

Duckydos · 08-19-2003, 11:49 PM

LOL, I'll admit that I CROP DUST.

But to be honest, there isn't anything wrong with crapping on the clock. For me, it goes a little like this. If I need to take a sh*t at home, but am going to have work later that day, I will hold it in. Later that then when I'm on the clock, go, take my time. In fact, I have even fallen asleep on the clock on the john (yea, I can and have slept anywhere). My dad even had the nickname of "Sh*t break" back when he was in high school and working at the local mall as maitnance.

-Ducky

sohc_vtec 2NR · 08-19-2003, 11:57 PM

LOL...this is a very useful guide.. thank you very much!

mylittlecivic · 08-20-2003, 12:04 AM

EWWW LOL where did you get that crap?

Duckydos · 08-20-2003, 12:18 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by mylittlecivic
EWWW LOL where did you get that crap?

Hah, typical chick... acting like they don't poop too.

Wren57 · 08-20-2003, 01:19 AM

chicks don't have bodily functions- have you forgotten?

I know at least my GF doesn't...

SilverHX4Me · 08-20-2003, 01:55 AM

girls crap,burp,fart just like everyone else. it's a fact of life. if I ever have to shit at work I will keep this in mind.. but I'd MUCH rather do it at home w/o an audience so to speak.

a96710 · 08-20-2003, 02:13 AM

lol....those are great

Whiteclipse99 · 08-20-2003, 09:01 AM

Oh my gosh, that was hilarious!!

I just had to be careful I didn't laugh too loud since I'm at work.

Quote:

Originally posted by highlander
chicks don't have bodily functions- have you forgotten?

We're good at hiding it!

DsBlu01CivEX · 08-20-2003, 10:07 AM

Even though there is the ugly rumor that girls don't do any of that stuff, occassionally we slip up and forget we're not allowed to do that. But if I have to "slip up" when I'm at work, I'll make an excuse to drive the 30 mins home to do it....or just wait until I get home. Since I work retail, we have a lot of old people come in. They are by far the WORST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't even have to walk into the women's restroom and you can smell their sh!t. It's horrible. I could be ready to pee my pants and will hold it cuz I wouldn't be able to breath if I went in there. I don't know how the customer service girls work back near there some days!!!

CD5Passion · 08-20-2003, 03:17 PM

lol I've done quite a few of those, I'll have to pass these on done to my friends, they will appreciate them greatly.
and while on the subject of girls not pooping, my girlfriend admits to me when she does, thats when you know you two are close...when you can talk about bodily functions

Wren57 · 08-20-2003, 03:24 PM

yeah... my GF discusses her period with me... eww

I dunno where she gets off thinking thats OK with me...

TeriyakiBroccoli · 08-20-2003, 03:59 PM

crimson tide :P

*AzCivic* · 08-20-2003, 05:06 PM

i have never laughed so hard in all my life.

08-20-2003, 09:35 PM

Problem is non-existant when you have a private bathroom at your office, or when you work from home.

DsBlu01CivEX · 08-22-2003, 07:45 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by DumbMoFo
Problem is non-existant when you have a private bathroom at your office, or when you work from home.

yah true....but some of us are not that lucky.

08-22-2003, 07:55 AM

AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAAHHAAHA.....i wake up and read this....AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH....good shit

08-22-2003, 12:59 PM

I can NEVER poop at work! I haven't done it once in the history of my work experience and I've been working since I was 13. I'm now 22

08-22-2003, 01:44 PM

08-19-2003, 08:19 PM	#1
Wren57 Registered User Join Date: Feb 2002 Age: 39 Posts: 2,856	pooping at work HOW TO POOP AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles (or offices) and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist...... can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water..... often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. I hope you have found this useful. __________________ yeah, its that big

08-19-2003, 08:38 PM	#2
94_AcCoRd_EX Insomniac Moderator Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: OR Age: 43 Posts: 11,142	OMG that's funny stuff __________________ 1994 Accord EX coupe --Need hosting for your pics on HST? PM me...--

08-19-2003, 08:55 PM	#3
ebpda9 Repost Wagon Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: over here Age: 44 Posts: 17,266	LOFL __________________

08-19-2003, 11:49 PM	#7
Duckydos Registered User Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Orlando, FL Age: 40 Posts: 1,048	LOL, I'll admit that I CROP DUST. But to be honest, there isn't anything wrong with crapping on the clock. For me, it goes a little like this. If I need to take a sht at home, but am going to have work later that day, I will hold it in. Later that then when I'm on the clock, go, take my time. In fact, I have even fallen asleep on the clock on the john (yea, I can and have slept anywhere). My dad even had the nickname of "Sht break" back when he was in high school and working at the local mall as maitnance. -Ducky __________________ Had an Accord. Then I had something European. Now I have an SCCA Solo-II monster!

08-19-2003, 11:57 PM	#8
sohc_vtec 2NR Registered User Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Kenosha, WI Age: 39 Posts: 1,137	LOL...this is a very useful guide.. thank you very much! __________________ RICE....is good

08-19-2003, 10:52 PM	#5
pauls-si Posts: n/a	LOL......those are hilarious...

08-20-2003, 01:19 AM	#11
Wren57 Registered User Join Date: Feb 2002 Age: 39 Posts: 2,856	chicks don't have bodily functions- have you forgotten? I know at least my GF doesn't... __________________ yeah, its that big

08-20-2003, 01:55 AM	#12
SilverHX4Me 2nd Gear Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: somewhere Age: 45 Posts: 291	girls crap,burp,fart just like everyone else. it's a fact of life. if I ever have to shit at work I will keep this in mind.. but I'd MUCH rather do it at home w/o an audience so to speak. __________________ 2000 Honda Civic HX

08-20-2003, 02:13 AM	#13
a96710 Registered User Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Vancouver, Wa Age: 43 Posts: 1,454	lol....those are great

08-20-2003, 10:07 AM	#15
DsBlu01CivEX Registered User Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: York Age: 44 Posts: 2,542	Even though there is the ugly rumor that girls don't do any of that stuff, occassionally we slip up and forget we're not allowed to do that. But if I have to "slip up" when I'm at work, I'll make an excuse to drive the 30 mins home to do it....or just wait until I get home. Since I work retail, we have a lot of old people come in. They are by far the WORST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't even have to walk into the women's restroom and you can smell their sh!t. It's horrible. I could be ready to pee my pants and will hold it cuz I wouldn't be able to breath if I went in there. I don't know how the customer service girls work back near there some days!!! __________________ "Oh, I have a goal. And it's to have no goals at all." http://www.myspace.com/kenike

08-20-2003, 03:17 PM	#16
CD5Passion Registered User Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Santa Barbara, California Age: 38 Posts: 5,446	lol I've done quite a few of those, I'll have to pass these on done to my friends, they will appreciate them greatly. and while on the subject of girls not pooping, my girlfriend admits to me when she does, thats when you know you two are close...when you can talk about bodily functions __________________

08-20-2003, 03:24 PM	#17
Wren57 Registered User Join Date: Feb 2002 Age: 39 Posts: 2,856	yeah... my GF discusses her period with me... eww I dunno where she gets off thinking thats OK with me... __________________ yeah, its that big

08-20-2003, 03:59 PM	#18
TeriyakiBroccoli 5th Gear Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Orange County, Southern California Age: 38 Posts: 1,490	crimson tide :P __________________ everyone loves the turbizzim.

08-20-2003, 05:06 PM	#19
AzCivic Moderator Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Az Age: 43 Posts: 3,804	i have never laughed so hard in all my life.

08-20-2003, 09:35 PM	#20
DumbMoFo Posts: n/a	Problem is non-existant when you have a private bathroom at your office, or when you work from home.

08-22-2003, 07:55 AM	#22
vtracer20 Posts: n/a	AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAAHHAAHA.....i wake up and read this....AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH....good shit

08-22-2003, 12:59 PM	#23
GirlRacer Posts: n/a	Am I the only one? I can NEVER poop at work! I haven't done it once in the history of my work experience and I've been working since I was 13. I'm now 22

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