more jokes here

The steps at the Parliament Hill building needed some repairs so bids are taken from contractors from across the country.

First a contractor from Toronto looks it over. After a session of measuring and figuring he presents his bid. "I can do it for $19,000.", he says. "I'll need $9,000 for materials, $9,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me."

Next a contractor from Calgary does his measuring and calculat-ing and then says "I'll do it for $17,000. $8,000 for materials, $8,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me."

Last a Liberal-friendly advertising firm from Montreal steps up. Without even looking at the job site he says, "I'll do it for $57,000."

Surprised at how high it is, the man taking the bids asks him to explain it. "It's simple.", he says. "$20,000 for me, $20,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Calgary."
---------------------------------
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's all my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab... for the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse."
--------------------------------------
A man is trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb, a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to run back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man is so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets really close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next to him. The driver rolls down the window.

The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks, is it?”
---------------------------------------
A priest is hearing confessions when a man comes in, kneels down and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. Last night I made love to Fanny Green.” The priest says, “You are forgiven. For your penance say one Our Father.”

The man leaves and a second man enters and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. I made love to Fanny Green every day for the last month.” The priest thinks to himself that this Fanny Green woman is pretty popular. He says, “You are forgiven. For your penance say three Hail Marys.”

That man leaves and a third man comes in and begins his confession. “Bless me father for I have sinned. I have made love to Fanny Green three times a week for the past six months.” The priest says, “Who is this Fanny Green?” “Just a woman I know father.” “Very well. You are forgiven. For your penance say five Our Fathers and five Hail Marys.”

The priest closes the church for the evening and goes home wondering who this Fanny Green is. The next day is Sunday and the priest is up on the altar giving his sermon. The doors fly open at the back of the church and in walks a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a bright green dress, elbow-length green gloves, green patent leather high-heels, and a green hat with a green feather on the top. She walks straight up the middle aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. He can’t help staring as she crosses her legs and her green dress rides up embarrassingly high, almost to her waist.

Finally he can stand it no longer. His curiosity gets the best of him. He leans over to the altar boy and says, “Psssst. Is that Fanny Green?” The altar boy says, “No father. I think it’s just the reflection of her shoes.”
-------------------------------------

After the World Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decide to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but he gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and one of them says, “Why aren't you drinking a Molson’s?”
The Molson president says, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, I won’t either.”

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.” God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one! He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “Begging your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.” God smiled. “Think about it – who can he tell?”

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, “Stay here and be very QUIET. I’ll be across the field.” A few minutes later, the father heard a blood-curdling scream and ran back to his son. “What’s wrong?” the father asked. “I told you to be quiet.” The son answered, “Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. When the bear breathed down my neck, I didn’t move a muscle. When the skunk climbed over my shoulder, I closed my eyes. And I held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn’t cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, ‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’ Well, I guess I just panicked.”

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three had applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai.
“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and Swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly sliced in two!
“What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do.”
The Chinese Samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and Swish, Swish, the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!
“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that Number Three Samurai?”
Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and Swooooosh! He flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”

“Dead, schmead,” replied the Jewish Samurai. “Dead is easy. Circumcision, THAT takes skill!”

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I just told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

The preacher fainted.

[ChrisCantSkate]

haha theres some good ones in there. i herd thebeer one but with guinness instead of molsen.

[thermal]

........and another:

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun
down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is
drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and
Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

[mylittlecivic]

hahah, i liked the beer one, the kid and the squirrels, and the hell one