Need Advice/Comments.

[Rob]

Alright...I normally don't like to bring my touchy personal business into the public but I'm really confused and upset right now and I can use some comments from all of you. For those of you that I have talked to on a personal basis know that I am divorced and have a daughter.

Well..ever since I got out of the Air Force back in Nov., I have been in financial fuckdom up until recently. I have a financial obligation for child support that I had not been able to pay and now I'm about 7 months behind. This past month I was able to get caught up on alot of critical bills and I will be able to start paying child support next month. It will take me a while to get caught up but I think I should be able to do it. Anyway, I got a call tonight from my ex-wife's husband (who I am cool with) and he told me that the child support agency contacted them and said that they are gonna be setting up some kind of court date..whatever I don't know..I have to call them tomorrow to find out what's going on.

Now that that's out of the way, here is my dilemma....while talking to my ex's husband, he asked me if I would consider letting him adopt my daughter that way I wouldn't be financially responsible anymore and I don't know what to think....before you make any comments, let me give you some details:

A) My daughter doesn't know I'm her father thanks to my fucking piece of shit ex...when I got divorced my daughter was 6 months old and I was bouncing back and forth between going to Saudi and Korea so I wasn't around her and he was. My wife didn't try to keep me in my daughter's life at all and let her think that this new male figure was her dad.

B) He is a good father to her and has raised her from the time that I got divorced. He is all she knows. As much as I try to be in her life, she is so impressioned that he is her dad that when I do try to show a presence, she just thinks of me as a "really good friend"

C) I am an asshole and a piece of shit and I think that it would probably be better if I just back away and let her be happy in the home that she's in......

and I'm not a very emotional person but fuck this is tearing me up.....

That's all I can type for now since I'm starting to really feel closed up at this point.....I guess just let me know your comments......

My brother pays child support for two kids... straight to the point... if you let him adopt her one day sooner or later she will come to you. Plain and simple... if you pay for her and if you don't see her you will become angry and shit will happen... be smart, think about it good.

yep, i agree....

Its a tough call. I guess you have to figure out what your money is really going towards. Its not fair you pay and your child doesnt know about you. That said if they are tight for money you're helping keep clothing on your daughters back.

I personally would let him adopt her because in the long run it will probably be easier on her if she doesnt have to deal with all the extra drama you're dealing with. It would make her life simple and you know, she might never come looking for you.

If you decide to let her go, before you sign any paper work you should think long and hard if you're willling to just let her go. You're no use to her if you're the father that was never around because you couldnt balance your check book. If you dont let her go and she grows up to find you still finacailly strugling it will only re-enforce why her mother kept her away from you.

In the long run its probably better to cut yourself off so you both can swim.

[Rob]

I was waiting for you Rob...I know you would have some good comments....and I was thinking alot of the same things you brought up...the one thing that keeps running though my mind though...will I be considered a piece of shit for giving up my daughter like that if I let him adopt her?

[MAXed Out]

Dude its all up to you. Even tho she doesnt consider you her father i would still try to be a part in her life. AS far as the adopting part i wouldnt trust anyone with my daughter but if shes in good hands i would give it some thought. So sleep on it and think about it. try to work some arrangements with ur ex-wife and maybe ull come to an agreement this way u can be a part in her life. Just my 2 cents. But good luck in ur decision bro.

Originally posted by AccordinStyle
I was waiting for you Rob...I know you would have some good comments....and I was thinking alot of the same things you brought up...the one thing that keeps running though my mind though...will I be considered a piece of shit for giving up my daughter like that if I let him adopt her?

I guess the question is who's judging you? Your daughter may never understand why you werent in her life as a youngster (that is if you guys ever meet up again) money or no money. Your ex-wife wont say shit to you and the new father sounds like he has good intentions.

Sometimes you can only make a bad sitituation worse, it might be time to stop beating a dead horse and let the two sides go their own way.

[ebpda9]

i agree with biker here.

[GT40FIED]

Honestly I'd lean more towards leting them adopt her. Bu there's some caveats to that. I would sit down with the both of them (ex and significant other) and talk long and hard about it. Your ex may be a piece of shit, but start realizing you'll always be tied to her through your daughter. If in the end you do decide to let them adopt her I would ask for their word that, when she's old enough, they will tell her about you and the circumstances involving your abscence leave it up to her whether or not she wants to know you. Like Rob said...I guess whether or not you're a piece of shit depends on whoever's judging you. If looking out for your daughter enough to talk to others about it and struggling with your decision makes you a piece of shit, then I suppose you are. But back in real life I think you're just trying to do the right thing.

[Rob]

But back in real life I think you're just trying to do the right thing.

I am...and that's what makes this so hard....if I would have been asked this question a year ago my answer who have been fuck no...but now.....I'm really torn......

Rob, just like what somebody said earlier...she will come to you. My father was NEVER in my life...and probably wouldn't still be in it if it weren't for me going out to see who he is. Yes, I, his eldest daughter sought out and found him. Financially, it would probably be a good idea, but just because your ex's hubby adopted her, doesn't demote you from being her real father. I think you should try your hardest to develop and maintain a relationship with her so that she won't be confused as she gets older. My parents were divorced...so I know how those things can be.

[JDMFantasy2k]

hmm try to decide with your heart and not with your wallet. and if all else fails, flip a coin. j/k but seriously if he is a good man and you will be able to see her on a regular basis as he "close family friend" well then it may be in the best interest of everyone. And when she gets older she will understand that it isn't that you didn't want rather than it wouldn't have worked out as good for everyone.

[Rob]

Well....after thinking about it seriously, talking to my sister who I am very close to, and weighing what's in her best interest, I have decided to let him adopt her...I'm gonna make a few phone calls tomorrow and see what all is involved........I just hope she understands that I truely love her with all my heart and I'm not doing this for me but for her...it still breaks my heart though and I guess I'll just chalk this up as one more thing to kick my heart in the nuts.......

On a side note, I do not understand my life at all....I really don't. Here I was sitting by myself thinking about my situation when my cell rings...it's a girl that I work with at Red Lobster calling me up wanting a damn booty call...I never even showed interest in this girl but she told me that she's really been thinking about me and had dreams about me the last two nights....I didn't do anything tonight but she wants to hook up on Sunday and yeah you know...wtf?

Anyway, thanks to everyone that gave me support and comments, I appreciate it.......

Rob

Good Luck boo...we're all here for ya if you need support or advice babe...chin up!!

[Rob]

Well...here's an update..I got the FEDEX package today from my ex-wife's attorney with the adoption paperwork...apparently they don't waste any fucking time since the name of my daughter all over the paper work is 'Kaylin Denise Cl***' and not 'Kaylin Denise M****'....that fucked me up a little. Anyway, I guess all I have left to do now is sign the papers, get them notarized, and send them back in a prepaid FEDEX envelope (isn't that just fucking convenient)...so, Darin, what was that you were saying earlier?...oh yeah, I sound stressed...........

[VR4_Craver]

Originally posted by Kool-Aid
Rob, just like what somebody said earlier...she will come to you. My father was NEVER in my life...and probably wouldn't still be in it if it weren't for me going out to see who he is. Yes, I, his eldest daughter sought out and found him. Financially, it would probably be a good idea, but just because your ex's hubby adopted her, doesn't demote you from being her real father. I think you should try your hardest to develop and maintain a relationship with her so that she won't be confused as she gets older. My parents were divorced...so I know how those things can be.

This is so true. My father (not trying to steal this from you) left me and my brother when i was 8 and he was 11. He completely disappeared. Then 2 weeks after I turned 18 (meaning he doesnt pay support) he shows up again and calls me. Personally I wish he never would have. And if your daughter finds out that you left her and never contacted her she would probably think the same thing of you. I dont know if I would tell she is adopted because you know how that tears some kids up. It would probably be better to be known as "good friend" than "the dick that couldnt handle his responsibility"

[GT40FIED]

Originally posted by AccordinStyle
Well...here's an update..I got the FEDEX package today from my ex-wife's attorney with the adoption paperwork...apparently they don't waste any fucking time since the name of my daughter all over the paper work is 'Kaylin Denise Clark' and not 'Kaylin Denise Meyer'....that fucked me up a little. Anyway, I guess all I have left to do now is sign the papers, get them notarized, and send them back in a prepaid FEDEX envelope (isn't that just fucking convenient)...so, Darin, what was that you were saying earlier?...oh yeah, I sound stressed...........

I dunno...maybe it's just me...but something doesn't seem right about that. It's almost like they seem to be rushing you to get this taken care of. Again, it could just be me, but that doesn't seem to add up.

[Rob]

Originally posted by GT40FIED
I dunno...maybe it's just me...but something doesn't seem right about that. It's almost like they seem to be rushing you to get this taken care of. Again, it could just be me, but that doesn't seem to add up.

And you're probably right....pretty much what it is is that my ex-wife cheated on me with this guy (that's why she is "ex")...rushed me to get the divorce finalized so that she could be with him. We got divorced March '01. My daughter was 2. She had been with this guy since May '00 (at the time my daughter was 5 months). I went to Korea from Nov. '01 - Nov. '02. When I was close to coming back I called my ex from Korea to set up a 2 week period when I could pick up my daughter and spend some time with her to which her reply was "You know...we are a happy family now and I really don't want you interrupting that". Fucked up, yes....but that's what I have had to deal with. And from day 1 that this guy has been around, my ex has done nothing to stop her from thinking he is her father. She does not talk to her about me, didn't show her pics of me when I was gone for a year and to this day, she knows HIM as "daddy". So, either way, I got the fucked up end of the deal. Now, are they rushing this along, yes...but I had a conversation with my ex when I agreed to do this she told me that my daughter will still be apart of my life and vice versa..I will always be her father and nothing will change that which in itself sounds sincere...but if I take what my ex says for face value based on previous dealings with her, I could wipe my ass with it and end up with hand full of shit........

Originally posted by VR4_Craver
It would probably be better to be known as "good friend" than "the dick that couldnt handle his responsibility"

That is the most fucked of thing anyone could have said to me at this point...like I don't feel like a piece of shit as it is...I'm not a dick that couldn't handle responsibility as you have so bluntly and assholishly stated.....I'm just doing what I think is best for her. If I'm fucking up by doing this, then I'll deal with the consequences later.......

I hope your ex don't keep your daughter totally from seeing you her whole life...I've seen cases where they turn away from their mom's for that...

[GT40FIED]

Originally posted by AccordinStyle
but I had a conversation with my ex when I agreed to do this she told me that my daughter will still be apart of my life and vice versa..I will always be her father and nothing will change that which in itself sounds sincere...but if I take what my ex says for face value based on previous dealings with her, I could wipe my ass with it and end up with hand full of shit........

That's pretty much what I meant. Once your ex has legal custody and you're out of the legal loop, she's pretty much free to do whatever she wants. She could move halfway across the country or halfway across the world and there won't be shit you can do about it. Besides, as her father you legally have a say in the way she's raised. Once you sign that over, again, you're totally out of the loop. It sounds to me like your ex may have something up her sleeve.

[Rob]

All I can do is hope for the best and try to be in her life as much as possible....

Things will work out though...they always do...yo promesa. main key is to keep in contact...keep yourself known to her so you won't be a total stranger to her...but I know you already do that now so you're all good patna...

[nonovurbizniz]

I'd stick it out... I know I'm chiming in late and all... but I would not sign those papers regardless...

ONLY if there were adendums in there that SPECIFICALLY noted that you HAD to have open access to visitation and that the truth would be known by all.

Just try to spend as much time with your daughter as possible... the bond will grow...

Backing off is not the best idea imo... even if it's only because you think it's the best thing for her...

My dad did NOTHING but support our family... and it left him as a resented outsider... I know LOTS of people who's dad can't get the bills paid but supports them in more important ways...

I'm not trying to say ANYTHING negative about you or your situation at all.. I'm not far off from the same deal...

But staying envolved and actively fighting for a presence in your daughters life is ALL that will matter to her...

If the adoption can go through and you are GUARANTEED in WRITING that your role will still be present and your opinion will still be considered then it's fine...

But with the whole wife cheating and leaving for this guy... regardless of how cool you are with him... that could simply be a strategy... you don't know if ALL of these ideas aren't his exclusively and he's just looking for a way to remove you from all of their lives...

AND NEVER EVER EVER trust pre-written documents by someone else's lawyer... even if it's EVERY DIME YOU HAVE... pay a lawyer to look over the adoption papers and make sure you're not going to get screwed.

Over all just make sure your daughter KNOWS you are there for her NO MATTER WHAT and that you will love her NO MATTER WHAT.

That's all that will really matter in the end...

Good luck and I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a shitty time...

Hope it works out for the best for all...

Hey dude, I wouldnt have posted your daughters name on the internet.

As for whats been said when I was gone, looks like there are alot of opinions on this. Which one is yours is only for you to decide

[Rob]

Thanks again for everyone's comments, I reviewed the documents and there is intention by my ex and her husband to keep me in my daughter's life. I feel comfortable...sort of...with doing this so I'm signing the documents tonight and sending them out tomorrow..

and Rob, thanks about pointing out the name thing...I wasn't thinking about that and changed it.

see...I told you things will work out...

I know I'm real late to this deal, but I do wish you much luck with it all. Not being there to hear everything said and read everything written makes it hard to provide sound advice other than to do what you really think is right.

It sounds to me like your ex needs to have some decency instilled in here, but again hard to tell.

I hope things look up for you.

b