Can I see her twat??? (joke)

[TimmyHollins]

What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar?

An Uber so he can get home safely.

[TimmyHollins]

My dad told me once, son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't. So of course, I went, and he was right...

I saw my dad.

[TimmyHollins]

A man is sitting on his couch when the doorbell rings

He opens the door and there is a young man standing there.

"Hello. My name is Tobias. I'm here to f**k your daughter."

The man can't believe his ears: "To what?!"

"Tobias"

[TimmyHollins]

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the s**t out of their dogs.

[TimmyHollins]

Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.

The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "

The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."

The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."

They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay escort who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."

[TimmyHollins]

I used to enjoy sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality...

but then I realized, I was just beating a dead horse.

[TimmyHollins]

Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?

10+10=twenty 11+11=twenty too.

[TimmyHollins]

A Nazi walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Jew!"

Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazi's direction.

The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew".

The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Jew smiling broadly at him and waving.

Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?"

The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar."

[TimmyHollins]

Why does Melania need to be on top when she and Trump have sex?

Because Trump can only fuck up.

[TimmyHollins]

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman, and then my dog bit me. So, I come to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve, and then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?”

[TimmyHollins]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

[TimmyHollins]

There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, saying "No, I lived a miserable life because of my bad luck and I refuse to let it dictate the end of my days!"

Passengers drew lots for the second time, he was chosen again. He refused for the second time, with less determination.

When the lots were drawn for the third time, his name was chosen once more. He refused again.

Finally, when his name appeared again after the fourth ballot, he said:

"OK, I agree to jump off the plane on one condition. You have to guess this correctly: What is the total number of testicles of me and the man in front of me?"

Passengers looked at each other with slight surprise and a grin on their faces and said "Four, of course!". The man laughed at them saying "No! You're wrong, as you see!" while revealing his proud, single testicle to them. Then the other man pulled down his pants...

He had three testicles.

[TimmyHollins]

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it...

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

[TimmyHollins]

I'm in a really bad place right now...

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

[TimmyHollins]

An Irish housewife is at home, being a homemaker, while her husband is away working at the Guinness factory.

When she hears a knock on the door.

Upon answering the door, she sees it is two of her husband’s friends and co-workers.

“Mary,” says the first co-worker, “I’m afraid we have some terrible news. You see, there was an accident at the factory today, and your husband fell into a vat of the Guinness.”

“My God!” Exclaims Mary, “will he be alright, how badly is he hurt!?”

“Well,” says the co-worker, “the fact is Mary, he didn’t make it, he drowned.”

“No!” Sobs Mary. “Please, tell me it was at least a quick death, and painless?”

“Well, you see, the thing of it is Mary, he got out three times to pee.”

[TimmyHollins]

Did you hear about the anti masker who died?

They went scuba diving.

[TimmyHollins]

My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing...

So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat.

[TimmyHollins]

“I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime, son.”

Son: “Was it something I said?”

Me: “Yes.”

[TimmyHollins]

I tried to lighten the mood at a party with a coronavirus joke.

Nobody laughed at first, but eventually, everyone got it.

[TimmyHollins]

A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood

The nurse asks, what's your blood type?

The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O."

[TimmyHollins]

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

[TimmyHollins]

Before my operation, the anaesthesiologists asked if I wanted to be knocked out via gas or boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

[TimmyHollins]

I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

[TimmyHollins]

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it."

The man perplexed asks, "Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?"

The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not !! I want a second opinion... !!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docttah, always want operate, make more money that way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

"Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself."

[TimmyHollins]

My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious...

Or did she?

[TimmyHollins]

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

[TimmyHollins]

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"...

Stupid firemen.

[TimmyHollins]

A man goes home with a woman he met at the bar.

When they get back to her place, she says, "I didn't want to tell you before, but I've got a fetish. I'd love it if you fucked me with your big toe."

The man, an agreeable sort, goes ahead and does it. Has a pretty good time. But a few days later, he notices his toe is red and inflamed, then it starts itching and burning.

He goes to the doctor, who seems very confused. But after a few tests, he says, "I don't know quite how to explain it, but you seem to have toe syphilis."

The man says, "Well I'll bet that's about the strangest thing you've ever seen."

The doctor responds, "Oh, you'd be surprised. I mean, just the other day I had a woman in here with athlete's vagina."

[TimmyHollins]

Had a girl try to choke me during sex recently.

I was like woah woah woah, who kidnapped who here?

[TimmyHollins]

Did my taxes on Valentine's Day...

It was the only way I was getting fucked today.

[TimmyHollins]

Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do...

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

[TimmyHollins]

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.

[TimmyHollins]

What's the difference between a clitoris and Budweiser?

A clitoris only tastes like piss for a minute.

[TimmyHollins]

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass.

[TimmyHollins]

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?" And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

[TimmyHollins]

3 inches of snow is enough to fuck Texas...

So why the fuck is my girlfriend complaining?

[TimmyHollins]

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow...

It's called a Ted Cruise.

[TimmyHollins]

A man scores a hot date.

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged. The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable pressure in his trousers. In an attempt to relieve the pain, he slowly undoes his fly.

Immediately, his penis lunges out onto the table, grabs a bread roll and vanishes back under the table.

His date, unsurprisingly shocked, slowly smiles and says, "could you do that again?"

The man, his eyes watering slightly, replies "probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my arse."

[TimmyHollins]

I went to a zoo and there was a baguette in a cage.

The keeper said it was bread in captivity.

[TimmyHollins]

A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused. "Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds "Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"

The doctor is flabbergasted and says "ok of course, pull your trousers down and I'll have a look"

As soon as the man's trousers drop the Doctor recoils and exclaims "Oh god! Pull your trousers up! That's awful!"

"You're right, the elephant has done a number on you, but I do have a question. My brother works in a zoo, and I've seen an elephants penis, and its like this"

The doctor holds his hands to the width of a side plate

"And your arsehole looks like..." He holds his hands to the width of a dinner plate "What happened?!"

The man responds, "I know. The bastard fingered me first."