Well, it finally happened.

[JDMFantasy2k]

Originally Posted by V8killimports

First thing first you need to go to marriage counseling with your wife. If there are issues and she really does want to work things out she will do ANYTHING to do it.. if she doesn't want to go to marriage counseling the next step I would take is getting a lawyer because she obviously doesn't want to work things out. Regardless of all of this I would also hire a PI to see what exactly she is up to from day to day. Some people say this is distrustful, but she has lost your trust as it is and has no reason to be trusted.

I would not hesitate on doing any of this either. I would suggest maggiage counseling in the next day or so. Also visit this site.. www.marriagebuilders.com and check out their forums. They have lots of good information and people to ask questions and should have some great advice.

well said.

As for the 2 previous posts i can see where you're both comming from. Yeah you have that instinct, leave her and be done with it. But at the same time it seems like you don't want to accept it so you play nice guy and try to fix things. I'm the same way. I'd say at this point continue with your plan jeremy, you don't really have anything to lose at this point so you might as damn well try. Good luck man!

[nonovurbizniz]

Don't get me wrong... my wife and I have been having problems for a while... and I keep trying...

But for me it reached a point where it's pretty obvious I'm the only one interested in trying to RESOLVE any of our problems... she'd prefer to ignore them and hope they get better.

[Racing Rice]

Originally Posted by nonovurbizniz

Don't get me wrong... my wife and I have been having problems for a while... and I keep trying...

But for me it reached a point where it's pretty obvious I'm the only one interested in trying to RESOLVE any of our problems... she'd prefer to ignore them and hope they get better.

I feel sorry for you, since I have a damn good idea what your going through. Luckily I don't have kids and stuff to worry about though. I don't understand the whole thought process behind trying to ignore the problem, other then they are to scared to face the problem head on. Man, women can be more of a hassle then they are worth sometimes.

[Robert]

Sounds like an immature way to deal with the problem. Hopefully you two can work it out.

[GT40FIED]

Ok Jeremy...here's what you do. You go out and find a goose and...oh wait...that's what I'd do. Scratch that.

Here's the bottom line man. I think we've already established that you're going to be the only one acting like an adult here and as such you're the only one entitled to make adult decisions. If she's going to run away every time shit gets difficult, you're going to have one helluva problem marriage. Every marriage has problems...even the best ones...so it's important to learn how to face those problems head on. If she's unwilling to do that you have no future with her. Sorry man, but there it is. It's a matter of nature that the "newness" and initial excitement will wear off in any relationship...it has to and that's not necessarily bad. But two people who truely love each other will settle into a seperate life that doesn't require that excitement and those are the one who will last.

I'll never understand how you can be with someone for the better part of a decade (or longer in some cases) then just wake up one day and decide to piss it all away. I mean I figure if someone was gonna do that they'd do it pretty early on. Bah...women.

[Racing Rice]

Originally Posted by GT40FIED

Ok Jeremy...here's what you do. You go out and find a goose and...oh wait...that's what I'd do. Scratch that.

Dude! I'm liking this idea more and more.. She needs beat with a goose. Maybe the goose could knock some sense into her.

I'll never understand how you can be with someone for the better part of a decade (or longer in some cases) then just wake up one day and decide to piss it all away. I mean I figure if someone was gonna do that they'd do it pretty early on. Bah...women.

Thats the part that I just don't get either. I know that what I did wasn't right, but IMO it isn't THAT big of a deal that it can't be worked out and forgiven. Who knows what the hell are going through thier minds.

[Robert]

Originally Posted by GT40FIED

I'll never understand how you can be with someone for the better part of a decade (or longer in some cases) then just wake up one day and decide to piss it all away. I mean I figure if someone was gonna do that they'd do it pretty early on. Bah...women.

You'll never understand until you walk the walk yourself.

[revival]

i'm surprised no female has stepped in during this conversation... ignore this if you want, but it's my two cents.
to be honest my relationship with my bf was a lot like your marriage. yes, i was talking to other guys, but it never escalated beyond that. if you've checked my profile and noticed that i'm 17, yes i've been dating one guy for the past 4.5 years. even while dating him i was talking to other guys and for just over a year it became a long distance relationship. so my thoughts wandered. but it was simply lust... i felt nothing for those guys, it was just fun to talk. and then when i finally moved back into the same city with my bf, lo and behold, the sh1t hits the fan.
the first week of summer in my new house he calls me and tells me that he has "stuff" to do, and if he got caught he didn't want me to be involved... that "stuff" was all a lie. he was testing me... two months later (when school started again) he calls me up and apologized and wanted to get back together with me... and so i did (don't ask... i love him so i was willing. love makes you do STUPID things). so on with the story, a few months down the road my computer crashes and he goes to fix it. my electronic diary is on the harddrive. people have told me that it's MY diary and he had no right to read it, but if i said he couldn't then he would be like "what are you hiding from me?" so... he read it, then the hell began... he found out i had been talking to this guy and flirting with another... but i NEVER did anything but talk! ....
we fought all last year, he was saying that i had become too cold (well no duh, i was dumped over the summer) and uncaring. but we eventually came to a compromise (after fighting every other day). we were sort of even now; him for testing me and me for lying.... okay so maybe we were both wrong on some level... but he were the oneshot relationship kind of guy, meaning "if the first girl doesn't work then i'm single for the rest of my life." the extreme monogamist. but whatever... we did manage 2 work it out in the end...

my explanation for this form of infidelity is that maybe she feels like she's missing something. just a speculation, i wouldn't know. but that's how i felt when i was talking to the other guys. i was missing the flirting and feeling of being desired...
really try talking to her. your wife running away during a problem like this is not right. you two are adults and adults know everything right?

[Robert]

revival thanks for writting, you're the closest one to my area ever on this board. I to am from Toronto Ontario. Craziness.

I dont think you can compare a marriage to a relationship had by two teenagers. A marriage is alot more then just a relationship, its a serious commitment to eachother to support eachother for the rest of your lives. To say your relationship was like a marriage I suspect is an stretch.

Either way, Jeremy is walking his own walk. He has to do what he feels is right in this situation. There is not RIGHT or WRONG way for him to solve his problems, there are only different paths.

[GT40FIED]

Again, I'm going with Rob on this one (scary, isn't it?).

Revival...I hate to say this, but your relationship, as it were, is a sham. All of the troubles you've been kind enough to share tell me that, among other things, there is almost literally no trust in your "relationship". If your boyfriend trusted you, he wouldn't feel the need to "test" you (and the way he did it makes me believe he may be borderline retarded). Your lack of fidelity, physical or otherwise, makes me believe you have some serious issues with you relationship as well. Flirting with other men is never innocent and it is never ok. It's a sign that you want out of said relationship and will belittle your boyfriend to obtain said goal. Not to excuse what your boyfriend did, but your actions are just as subject to suspect. You say that love makes you do stupid things. That's bullshit. YOU make you do stupid things. Since love is biochemically no different than eating large amounts of chocolate, one could surmize that common sense could overcome "love". I use qutations because I don't think what you have is love, it's security. Without trust there isn't love and I can site numerous examples of a lack of trust just in the one post you've made in this thread. I'm by no means trying to put you down or chase you off...this is simply my opinion based on what you've posted. I know the last thing a 17 year old wants is advice. I was once a 17 year old myself. But take it from a 24-year-old-used-to-be-17-year-old...you're not doing yourself any favors.

[revival]

How can I respond to GT40FIED?
l"...love is biochemically no different than eating large amounts of chocolate..." It may be true but if you honestly can say that about love, it makes me think that you've had your heart crushed by someone you've loved before.
But regarding my situation (which was besides the point of this thread...), it is security, but if we hated each other we wouldn't have lasted this long. Love is a complicated thing (so cliche) but it's also one of those things that only your heart can tell you (... that sounds so cheesy). But so after the sh1t hit the fan last year I am completely committed. We had our ups and downs but it seems pretty okay. And if I'm lucky, it's engagement time this summer.
Even if you're right about me not doing myself any favours, it's just life, you just got to live and learn and screw up along the way.

[GT40FIED]

Well...it's not a matter of IF love is the same as eating a large wuantity of chocolate...it is. Both cause your brain to emit chemicals causing a sort of euphoria. Some people, one could theorize, are even addicted to such a feeling (those assholes who are "in love with being in love"). And you're right...I have had my heart crushed by someone I loved before. In fact it's happened more than once. If you haven't had your heart broken, then you've never really loved anyone. But none of that keeps me from being suprisingly optimistic about love and all that comes with it.

Also, I feel the need to point out that some of the longest relationships I've ever seen were driven maybe not by hate exactly, but definitely a sense of spite and loathing. I'll never understand why, but some people seem compelled to be with someone they can barely tolerate, much less love. As Dane Cook put it, "I'll stick around for 2 or 3 years and then we can end this thing violently".

Again, these thoughts aren't meant to belittle you, put you down, or anything of the like. Simply consider it friendly advice. Though I don't know you, I hate to see people's lives headed in what I feel is the wrong direction when it's easily avoidable (if anything involving love is ever easy, that is). The path you choose to take is your own...just consider all of this my two cents.

[revival]

To be honest, when you describe love so... er... scientifically... You don't sound so optimistic about it. =\

"I feel the need to point out that some of the longest relationships I've ever seen were driven maybe not by hate exactly, but definitely a sense of spite and loathing. I'll never understand why, but some people seem compelled to be with someone they can barely tolerate, much less love. As Dane Cook put it, "I'll stick around for 2 or 3 years and then we can end this thing violently"."
It's strange, hell I started out loathing my bf too. Hahahah... I wonder if this just makes human nature (in the regards to love anyway) naturally masochistic and sadistic? o_O?

Oh and your two cents will go into my penny jar.

[Accord Man]

Wow, unbelievable..

I dont really know you or anything, but since this board came online I knew you were with someone.. not sure if you were already married at the time.. It saddens me to hear this..

I feel your pain. Really.. I hope you pull through ok.

[Robert]

Loving someone isnt complicated. Living with them and sharing everything about your life is.

[revival]

Originally Posted by Robert

Loving someone isnt complicated. Living with them and sharing everything about your life is.

i completely agree *nods head*

[Racing Rice]

YEA!!! It's all over now.

I finally got her to confess and tell me exactly has been going on. Not only was she sleeping with one guy, she's been sleeping with TWO guys. Everything's almost unbelievable, but I feel so much better now! It's amazing what closure can do. She is about to get a real dose of reality now.

I told her to pack her stuff and get out.

Time to PARTY!

[Robert]

I'm really sorry to hear that and I'm sorry that your marriage has been ruined. Hopefully the two of you can go your own way. I hope for your sake she was smart enough to use protection.

Keep us posted on how you're doing.

[Racing Rice]

I ALWAYS used protection. Though we really didn't do it much. I don't understand what's going on in her head, but she has some SERIOUS issues obviously.

She's been driving me crazy today calling my cell phone trying to get me to come back home. I'm staying at my parents tonight while she moves her stuff out. She keeps telling me that she can stop and change. I told her that she should have thought about that a long time ago. I can't take any more of her little games. I'm done. Now I just have to finalize this divorce and get on with my life.

[Robert]

Thats just insane Jer. I'm guessing this has been going on for a while and its jsut something you stumbled onto.

For whatever its worth, my heart goes out to you. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Hopefully your divorce goes smoothly and quickly.

[GT40FIED]

So wait...lemme get this straight...not only was she cheating on your with guy #1, but she was cheating on guy #1 with guy #2? Sweet zombie jesus man...I hate to say this, but she certainly sounds like a whore. Glad you had the good sense to kick her to the curb. I just can't believe she kept lying for this long.

Oh...and it sounds like you owe your mom something real nice next Mother's Day for uncovering this web of bullshit.

[Robert]

Originally Posted by GT40FIED

So wait...lemme get this straight...not only was she cheating on your with guy #1, but she was cheating on guy #1 with guy #2? Sweet zombie jesus man...I hate to say this, but she certainly sounds like a whore. Glad you had the good sense to kick her to the curb. I just can't believe she kept lying for this long.

Oh...and it sounds like you owe your mom something real nice next Mother's Day for uncovering this web of bullshit.

Jeremy you do have one heck of a mother.

[nonovurbizniz]

Hey man sorry to here it turned out for the worst but at least your done with it...

Enjoy your freedom. And be happy it happened before you had kids. Imagine if you felt the same way when she had pushed for it.

[revival]

woah... well... er... at least that's over with... oh man... that makes women seem REALLY bad... :(

well i wish you the best for the future, hopefully your next relationship won't be so... er... fcuked... :P

so yeah... good luck with the rest of your life...

[Racing Rice]

Originally Posted by GT40FIED

So wait...lemme get this straight...not only was she cheating on your with guy #1, but she was cheating on guy #1 with guy #2? Sweet zombie jesus man...I hate to say this, but she certainly sounds like a whore. Glad you had the good sense to kick her to the curb. I just can't believe she kept lying for this long.

Oh...and it sounds like you owe your mom something real nice next Mother's Day for uncovering this web of bullshit.

I turned her into a sexual fiend I guess. I don't know. I was her first and only until this all started in January.

My mom is the best!

I'm not in any hurry to get into another relationship. I'm going to have fun and do whatever the hell I want. I'm going to live it up a little. I also want to do some travelling.

[ebpda9]

wow man, that is just fucked up. time to go out to bars and go beaver hunting

[GT40FIED]

Originally Posted by Racing Rice

I turned her into a sexual fiend I guess. I don't know. I was her first and only until this all started in January.

My mom is the best!

I'm not in any hurry to get into another relationship. I'm going to have fun and do whatever the hell I want. I'm going to live it up a little. I also want to do some travelling.

I suppose there's a slim chance she's developed manic depression. People who are bi polar tend to have extremely poor sexual impulse control when in a manic swing. Then again it'd be pretty rare to develop such a condition so late in life. I know you're probably cursing her name and the day you met her right now, but I'd say as a human being you should urge her seriously to get some kind of professional help. If nothing else, she'll become someone else's problem.

And good thinking on not getting into anything right away. My brother got involved before the ink was even on his divorce papers (although his ex wife got involved way before that...the whore) and it just seemed...sketchy. He's actually marrying the girl in July so maybe he got lucky (though time will tell and I have my doubts).

And Revival...this doesn't make women look bad...it makes A woman look bad. I think around here we all get that both sexes fuck up on a regular and somewhat predictable basis.

[Robert]

women are bad... bad to the bone... der ner ner ner ner

I was reading somewhere 60% of women cheat and 43% of men cheat. I believe the poll was done by a magazine with a same size of 2000

[revival]

Originally Posted by hondaman-iac

wow man, that is just fucked up. time to go out to bars and go beaver hunting

nooooooooo hunting beavers is mean!!!

[pdiggitydogg]

damn man, been awhile since i looked at this thread
Sorry to hear that its fallen apart, but it is always good to finally hear the truth and be able to close the subject... Still sucks though

[Wren57]

Wow, sorry to hear it went down this way. I have lots of respect for you being able to kick her out wholly and move on without hesitation. Must hurt but it's the right decision. Best of luck.

[KwikR6]

Damn man. Jeremy I'm so sorry that this happened. I saw this thread a while ago and just kept my yap shut. I really hope all goes well for you. Not her though, fuck her. Dude I wish I was there for you and we could go to the bar or somethign and get wasted and pick up some broads. Although I wasn't with my ex for 9 years, 5 1/2 is long enough. I can somewhat relate to what your going though with the break up. Keep your head up high man. Keep busy, work out lots. I found that helped me out a lot.

[Robert]

jer care to give us an update? Is the divorce going ahead or are you going to try and recover this?

My heart really goes out to you. As someone who's getting married shorly this would be my worst nightmare.

[JDMFantasy2k]

wow that really sucks but it sounds like the closure is really helping you through. Takes some balls to do what needs to be done. Hope everything will go well from here.

[Racing Rice]

Well, here goes...

A few days after I kicked her out of the house she called me crying. She said she knows that she made a mistake and she was sorry about it (over and over.) She begged me to give her another chance. After a lot of talking she we have gotten back together and are working things out. It was a really hard decision, and the only reason that I decided to take her back is because I know that this person she was for three months, really isn't the person that she is.

I believe that we all make mistakes in life. I know a lot of you guys think I'm an idiot, but you really can't talk until you're there.

Things are getting better. It is going to take a lot of time to rebuild stuff, but I know we can do it.

[pdiggitydogg]

I dont think youre an idiot, because I probably would have done the same thing. Sure, another part of me screams "NO!" but Im sure its actually an alright move to make.
Really, I made a similar choice with a gf I had soo many years ago, and to this day wish I didnt...but somehow wife is a whole lot more than gf.

[KwikR6]

I dated a girl for almost 6 years. Or was it 5. Who cares. Either way what i'm getting at is, that we broke up a few times. And each and every time I took her back. Why? Because i loved her. Jer I don't completely understand what your going through. But man I can relate. I know that taking her back isn't easy. But on the other hand, when it's love. It's love. So dude. I support your decision. And like Pat. The inside I'm going...NO DUDE....HOWEVER you are right. It's not us, and we cannot comment until we are in that position. I was in a similar (i use that term loosley) position to yours and like I said, I can relate dude, and part of me does understand.

[Racing Rice]

I can't say that the decision was easy.. It wasn't just one phone call from her saying I'm sorry will you take me back. It was several, and her begging and pleading. Even to this day a part of me still wonders if I'm making the right decision, because the trust that I had for her is gone and it will have to be rebuilt.

I can read her pretty well, and I usually know when she is being honest with me and when she isn't. Unfortunately I knew the whole time that something more was going on when it was happening but I didn't want to accept it. She swears that she isn't talking to these guys anymore. Cell phone records agree, and she says she has deleted thier numbers from her phone. (Which she has because I checked. ) These things aren't absolute proof that she still isn't having contact with these guys, but her attitude has changed. She's a lot more happy and active then she use to be.

I can only hope that in time we can put this behind us and move on with our lives, and grow old and happy together. Hopefully even bring us closer together in the long run. Until then, I have to keep a positive attitude, and she has to rebuild the trust that she has broken.

I've already told her that if she even has serious thoughts about being with someone else again, don't even bother coming back. I'll probably lose it, and do something that I'll regret for a very, very long time.... Probably 20 to life.

[GT40FIED]

Jeremy...I hate to say this, but I'm going to have to disagree witn everyone else. I've been in your position before (minus the marriage part...I hope to never be married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me I love someone). After a good deal of thought and a lot of talking with friends, I realized that there was no way that the original trust I had with my then-girlfriend would ever be fully restored. I'm sure you came about this decision with no light thought, but is this really a story you want to tell your kids someday? No, I don't think you're crazy or foolish or whatever...I think your judgement is clouded by whatever you want to call love. Since love means different things to different people, I won't try and quantify it here. I'll just say that it makes you acts ilogically and on impulses that don't suit your best interests. You feel compasion for the mate you have chosen...that's natural. However given her actions thus far I'm not convinced she shares that same sense of emotion. Imagine the situation was reversed and you were the woman. Imagine that the breach of trust had not been infidelity, but rather physical abuse. Would you still hang around and bow to the pleas of your partner? Because that's all cheating is...abuse. It's not physical, but it is sure as shit mental abuse. She might as well come up and slap you in the face with the fact that she fucked around on you. If you're willing to second guess yourself every time she goes out for the night, that's up to you. Personally it'd drive me insane which is why once that bond has been broken, no amount of crying over the phone can bring it back.

[KwikR6]

Originally Posted by GT40FIED

Jeremy...I hate to say this, but I'm going to have to disagree witn everyone else. I've been in your position before (minus the marriage part...I hope to never be married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me I love someone). After a good deal of thought and a lot of talking with friends, I realized that there was no way that the original trust I had with my then-girlfriend would ever be fully restored. I'm sure you came about this decision with no light thought, but is this really a story you want to tell your kids someday? No, I don't think you're crazy or foolish or whatever...I think your judgement is clouded by whatever you want to call love. Since love means different things to different people, I won't try and quantify it here. I'll just say that it makes you acts ilogically and on impulses that don't suit your best interests. You feel compasion for the mate you have chosen...that's natural. However given her actions thus far I'm not convinced she shares that same sense of emotion. Imagine the situation was reversed and you were the woman. Imagine that the breach of trust had not been infidelity, but rather physical abuse. Would you still hang around and bow to the pleas of your partner? Because that's all cheating is...abuse. It's not physical, but it is sure as shit mental abuse. She might as well come up and slap you in the face with the fact that she fucked around on you. If you're willing to second guess yourself every time she goes out for the night, that's up to you. Personally it'd drive me insane which is why once that bond has been broken, no amount of crying over the phone can bring it back.

I gotta say GT. That's well put.
I'm still sort of dangling on the fence here Jeremy. Like I said I'll support your decision and all that. But inside i'm a little sketchy.

Jeremy you said that you checked your cell phone. As far as I'm concerned that's the least of the things that you can do. I would have that girl on a pretty tight leash for a long time if I wsa you.