more jokes here

The steps at the Parliament Hill building needed some repairs so bids are taken from contractors from across the country.

First a contractor from Toronto looks it over. After a session of measuring and figuring he presents his bid. "I can do it for $19,000.", he says. "I'll need $9,000 for materials, $9,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me."

Next a contractor from Calgary does his measuring and calculat-ing and then says "I'll do it for $17,000. $8,000 for materials, $8,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me."

Last a Liberal-friendly advertising firm from Montreal steps up. Without even looking at the job site he says, "I'll do it for $57,000."

Surprised at how high it is, the man taking the bids asks him to explain it. "It's simple.", he says. "$20,000 for me, $20,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Calgary."
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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's all my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab... for the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse."
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A man is trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb, a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to run back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man is so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets really close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next to him. The driver rolls down the window.

The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks, is it?”
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A priest is hearing confessions when a man comes in, kneels down and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. Last night I made love to Fanny Green.” The priest says, “You are forgiven. For your penance say one Our Father.”

The man leaves and a second man enters and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. I made love to Fanny Green every day for the last month.” The priest thinks to himself that this Fanny Green woman is pretty popular. He says, “You are forgiven. For your penance say three Hail Marys.”

That man leaves and a third man comes in and begins his confession. “Bless me father for I have sinned. I have made love to Fanny Green three times a week for the past six months.” The priest says, “Who is this Fanny Green?” “Just a woman I know father.” “Very well. You are forgiven. For your penance say five Our Fathers and five Hail Marys.”

The priest closes the church for the evening and goes home wondering who this Fanny Green is. The next day is Sunday and the priest is up on the altar giving his sermon. The doors fly open at the back of the church and in walks a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a bright green dress, elbow-length green gloves, green patent leather high-heels, and a green hat with a green feather on the top. She walks straight up the middle aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. He can’t help staring as she crosses her legs and her green dress rides up embarrassingly high, almost to her waist.

Finally he can stand it no longer. His curiosity gets the best of him. He leans over to the altar boy and says, “Psssst. Is that Fanny Green?” The altar boy says, “No father. I think it’s just the reflection of her shoes.”
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After the World Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decide to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but he gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and one of them says, “Why aren't you drinking a Molson’s?”
The Molson president says, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, I won’t either.”