Great read for those of us that workout (and those that should)...

[Wren57]

Guest Atomic Dog
Merry Christmas, Bob
by Chris Shugart



Note: Since most of our readers are probably busy
around this time of year, this issue and the next will
be a little shorter than usual. Don't worry, though,
there's still plenty of info here to keep you busy for
a few hours.

"So, what are you doing for a living these days?" Bob
asked me. We're sitting on the couch at one of those
tedious holiday get-togethers, you know, the ones
where you're supposed to be nice to family members you
never see except during major holidays and funerals. I
think Bob is my wife's brother-in-law's second cousin
or something.

"I'm the assistant editor and a writer for
Testosterone magazine," I say. Bob looks at me with a
blank expression on his face, as if I'd just told him
I sell handmade testicle warmers beside the freeway
and was looking to open franchises across the nation.

"It's a bodybuilding magazine," I say.

Blank expression. Deer caught in the headlights.
Ronnie Coleman doing trigonometry.

"Oh," Bob finally says, "I heard you were, like, one
of those bodybuilder guys or something. So, what's
that like, you know, working out every day and stuff?
I just don't have time to lift weights all day, but I
have been meaning to get rid of this beer belly." He
takes another sip of beer. "What do you suggest?" Sip.

At first I was a little offended. I wanted to grab him
up and say, "You can't tell I'm a bodybuilder?! Look
at my ***! Now, if that's not a nice round squat-built
piece of sirloin, I don't know what is! You think that
comes naturally? I can crack walnuts with this puppy!
Wanna see? Huh, punk? Do ya? Do ya?"

Then I realize this just might cause a scene and could
cost me several Christmas presents. I was planning on
returning any presents I got and using the money to
buy a power rack, so I didn't want to jeopardize this
gift getting opportunity. I also realized that old Bob
probably had a certain preconceived image of a
bodybuilder and I just didn't fit that image. I'm not
gorilla huge; I weigh about 205 at 5'11" right now.
(When I first started lifting I was a pudgy 159, so
that's not too shabby.) Also, I wasn't wearing clown
pants, a fluorescent string tank top, a hanky on my
head and one of those little fanny packs. And isn't
that what real bodybuilders are supposed to wear?

Bob continued to sit there drinking his Natural Light,
smoking a cigarette and waiting for an answer,
oblivious to the fact that he'd come this close to
seeing some serious walnut- crunching *** power. I
tried to figure out how I could explain to the average
guy what the typical T-Man does and why he does it.
How could I get him to understand what it is we do,
how we feel, how we live? So I took a deep breath and
told him something like this:

"Well, Bob, I guess you could use the term bodybuilder
if you really need a label for what it is we do. Most
of us actually don't stand on stage and compete,
though. We lift weights and manipulate our diets so
that we'll look good naked. Sure, it's healthy too,
and we'll probably live a longer and more productive
life than the average guy, but mostly it's about the
naked thing. Truthfully, it goes beyond even that.

"Let's be honest here. We do it because of people like
you, Bob. We look at you sitting there with your gut
hanging over your belt and we watch you grunt and
groan just getting out of a chair. Guys like you are
our inspiration, Bob. You're better than Anthony
Robbins, Bill Phillips, Deepak Chopra, and Zig **ing
Ziglar all wrapped up into one. We love it when guys
like you talk about not having time to exercise. Every
time we see you munching on a bag of potato chips, you
inspire us. You're my shot in the arm, Bob, my living
and breathing wake-up call, my own personal success
coach.

"You want to know what it is we do? We overcome. We're
too busy to train, too, but we overcome. We're too
busy to prepare healthy meals and eat them five or six
times a day, but we overcome. We can't always afford
supplements, our genetics aren't perfect, and we don't
always feel like going to the gym. Some of us used to
be just like you, Bob, but guess what? We've overcome.


"We like to watch 'normal' people like you tell us
about how they can't get in shape. We smile and nod
sympathetically like we feel your pain, but actually,
we're thinking that you're a pathetic piece of
that needs to grow a spine and join a gym. You smile
sheepishly and say that you just can't stay motivated
and just can't stand that feeling of being sore. (For
some reason you think that admitting your weaknesses
somehow justifies them.) We listen to you bitch and
moan. We watch you look for the easy way out. Because
of people like you, Bob, we never miss a workout.

"You ask us for advice about diet and training and
usually we politely offer some guidance, but deep
inside we know you won't take our advice. You know
that too. We smile and say, 'Hope that helps. Good
luck,' but actually we're thinking, 'Boy, it would
suck to be you.' We know that 99% of people won't
listen to us. Once they hear that it takes hard work,
sacrifice and discipline, they stop listening and tune
us out.

"We know they wanted us to say that building a great
body is easy, but it just isn't. This did not take
five minutes a day on a TorsoTrack. We did not get
this way in 12 short weeks using a Bowflex and the
Suzanne Somers' 'Get Skinny' diet. A good body does
not cost five easy payments of $39.95.

"We like it that while you're eating a candy bar and
drinking Mountain Dew, we're sucking down a protein
shake. You see, that makes it taste even better to us.
While you're asleep we're either getting up early or
staying up late, hitting the iron, pushing ourselves,
learning, succeeding and failing and rising above the
norm with every rep. Can you feel that, Bob? Can you
relate? No? Good. This wouldn't be half as fun if you
could.

"We do it because we absolutely and totally get off on
it. We do it because people like you, Bob, either
can't or won't. We do it because what we do in the gym
transfers over into the rest of our lives and changes
us, physically, mentally, maybe even spiritually. We
do it because it beats watching fishing and golf on
TV. By the way, do you know what it's like to turn the
head of a beautiful woman because of the way you're
built? It feels good, Bob. Damned good.

"When we're in the gym, we're in this indescribable
euphoria zone. It's a feeling of being on, of being
completely alive and aware. If you haven't been there,
then it's like trying to describe color to a person
who's been blind since birth. Within this haze of
pleasure and pain, there's knowledge and power,
self-discipline and self-reliance. If you do it long
enough, Bob, there's even enlightenment. Sometimes,
the answers to questions you didn't even know you had
are sitting there on those rubber mats, wrapped up in
a neat package of iron plates and bars.

"Want to lose that beer belly, Bob? I have a nutty
idea. Put down the **ing beer. I'll tell you what,
Bob. Christmas morning I'm getting up real early and
hitting the iron. I want to watch my daughter open her
presents and spend the whole day with her, so this is
the only time I have to train. The gym will be closed,
so I'm going out in my garage to workout. You be at my
house at six in the morning, okay? I'll be glad to
help you get started on a weight training program.
It'll be colder than Hillary Clinton's coochie in
there, so dress warm.

"But let me tell you something, Bob. If you don't show
up, don't bother asking me again. And don't you ever
sit there and let me hear you bitch about your beer
belly again. This is your chance, your big opportunity
to break out of that rut. If you don't show up, Bob,
you've learned a very important lesson about yourself,
haven't you? You won't like that lesson.

"You won't like that feeling in the pit of your
stomach either or that taste in your mouth. It will
taste worse than defeat, Bob. Defeat tastes pretty
goddamned nasty, but what you'll be experiencing will
be much worse. It will be the knowledge that you're
weak, mentally and physically. What's worse is that
you'll have accepted that feeling. The feeling will
always be with you. In the happiest moments of your
life, it'll be there, lying under the surface like a
malignant tumor. Ignore it at your own peril, Bob.

"Don't look at me like that either. This just may be
the best Christmas present you'll get this year. Next
Christmas, Bob, when I see you again, I'm going to be
a little bigger, a little stronger, and a little
leaner. What will you be? Will you still be making
excuses? This is a gift, Bob, from me to you. I'm
giving you the chance to look fate in those pretty
eyes of hers and say, 'Step off, bitch. This is my
party and you're not invited.' What do you say, Bob?
Monday, Christmas morning, 6am, my house. The ball's
in your court."

Okay, so maybe that's not the exact words I used with
Bob, but you get the picture. Will Bob show up Monday?
I don't know, but I kind of doubt it. In fact, Bob
will probably take me off his Christmas card list. He
probably thinks I've got "too much Testosterone," like
that's a bad thing. I think Bob is just stuck in a
rut, and as the saying goes, the only difference
between a rut and a grave is depth.

The way out of the rut is to make major changes in
your life, most of which won't be too pleasant in the
beginning. The opportunity to make those changes
seldom comes as bluntly as I put it to Bob. Most of
the time, that opportunity knocks very softly. What I
did was basically give Bob a verbal slap in the face.
You can react two ways to a slap. You can get angry at
the person doing the slapping, or you can realize that
he was just trying to get you to wake up and focus on
what you really want and, more importantly, what it'll
take to get it.

If you're a regular T-mag reader, I doubt you need to
be called out like Bob. But maybe you've caught
yourself slacking a little here lately. Maybe you've
missed a few workouts or maybe you started a little
too early on the usual holiday feasting, like, say,
back in September. Just remember that the time to
start working on that summer body is now. The time to
get rid of those bad habits that hold you back in the
gym is now. You want to look totally different by next
Christmas? Start now. This isn't because of the
holidays or any corny New Year's resolutions either.
The best time is always now.

Christmas day I want you to enjoy being with your
family and friends. I want you to open presents, sip a
little eggnog and have a good meal. But if your
regularily scheduled workout happens to fall on
December 25th, what will you be doing at six o'clock
that morning?

That's what separates us from guys like Bob.

[Mischief]

I honestly think I'd like to work out, I've always wanted my body to look a bit leaner and meaner but I wouldn't know where to start and the day after sore feels so amazingly good.. it's a good sore IMO.. A much different sore you get from drinking heavily the night before and waking up somewhere you don't remember walking to.. I had to help my dad deliver 3 skids of wood to a house he was working in once.. Each skid contains roughly.. 60 packs of wood, each pack weighing 53 lbs.. Sure it sucked and wasn't too fun with my puny arms but I loved the sore I had the day after.. Anyone have any advice for a youngin' looking to start working out? Should I join a gym and get a personal trainer or whatever? I always thought that was kind of expensive.. Any suggestions?

[Wren57]

Yeah, I got plenty of suggestions. I assume you are a smaller guy (as I was/am) and as such have a body type that burns fat at an amazing rate (as I do). The first thing you must do is set a goal; why are you working out? Do you want to be stronger, bigger, look better, get huge, what? If you just want to gain 30 or 40 pounds of lean muscle, your path will be somewhat different than if you are looking to gain 10 pounds or 100 pounds. For this purpose, I'm gonna assume you want to gain 30 or so pounds of lean muscle. First thing you need to know is that this isn't gonna be easy and you won't see results overnight, but it will take 6 weeks for you to notice substantial improvement.

1. Join a gym
2. Hop on a stationary bike for 10 or so minutes and just watch the "regulars" and see what they do and how they use the equipment so you won't feel like a moron when you try it out for the first time
3. Take your time; use light weights your first day just to get a feel for the motions and perfect your form when lifting
4. Gradaully work the weights up each gym visit; plan to go at least 3 days a week, but no more than 5. Start with a light set, then a medium set, then finally a heavy set on each excercise.
5. If you burn fat effectively, eat EVERYTHING. If you can, get some whey protein and suck down a protein shake (I like mixing the vanilla protein with milk) after every workout, along with eating a lot

Some good basic excercises you should startout with;
1. bench press... either use a machine or barbell if you can get a spotter
2. tricep pulldowns
3. bicep curls (make sure you dont cheat on these, do power curls while seated)
4. lat pulldowns (the one where you pull down on the bar) again, dont cheat... keep your body stationary
5. incline press
6. dumbell rows
7. shoulder shrugs
8. dips or reverse dips

this should give you good definition and strength in your shoulders, chest and arms. The key to working out is isolating the muscles you are working; if you are simply throwing your body into it and just moving weight around, you aren't doing jack. let me know if you need any more tips.

ps- surprisingly enough, Triple H's book "Making the Game- Triple H's Guide to a Better Body" is actually a really good read if you are serious about it, and it is on sale at walmart.com for $16...

[AzCivic]

that was a very good read!! I must admit i've been doing a little slacking here and there. Thanks Highlander!

[BlackWolf]

I just stick to my Bowflex program that came with the machine. Seems to work pretty good when I use it though. I can definately see a cut when I do and yeah, it's a good sore afterwards too. Anyone else get the endorphine (?) rush afterwards too?

[ShEaNy]

good read....just eat good foods..and run...ull lose lots of weight running...going for muscle....weights...easy as pieee lol

[KwikR6]

Very good read man. very good post.

I work out 5 times a week...i try to work out religiously. If you have any questions..just ask. I can help also. I've put on quite a bit of muscle and weight, and I will keep doing it. Working out to me is like a drug. It's amazing.