[Rob]

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named DANIEL,
who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

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CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

DANIEL: Holy sh*t, what the heck is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

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CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.

DANIEL: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

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CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
peppers.

DANIEL: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now get me more beer before I
ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
sh*t-faced from all the beer.

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CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.

DANIEL: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout
taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 pounder is starting to
look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

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CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.

DANIEL: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really pissed me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

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CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.

DANIEL: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped myself when I
farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
> > > chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
self with a snow cone!

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CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should take note that I am worried about Judge Number
3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

DANIEL: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn't feel a darn thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like "stuff" to match my darn shirt. At least during
the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided
to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.