[silver]

thanks guys, a couple of people pm'd me wondering some details so i'll let you guys in on it, might be long but here i go.

we've been together since valentine's day last year and basically lived with each other after a couple of months. to me she was the girl of my dreams, beautiful, witty, smart, sweet, everything i could ever want, same interests, you name it. we went through a lot of problems as well, she has self-esteem problems and always thought she wasn't "worthy" of me and stuff like that. she has cut herself before and tried to overdose on diet pills(ephedra). that messed up her endocrine system and she would go through mini seizures where I would have to breath for her cuz her muscles in her chest would not allow her to breath for herself. she wasn't doing anything with school and I got her on track and got her to get her ged, which she just got in april. i took her to the hospital finally and they ran millions of tests and stuff, basically i took care of her. she had no real family, she was from a foster care background with a father that didn't want her and an alcoholic mother, maybe i thought that I could help her get her life together as well. she had developed almost this second identity that would kick in when she would feel threatened and she would curse at me and tell me how she didn't love me but hated me. she had cheated on me three times(to my knowledge) and every time I forgave her. I guess I was blinded by what I thought was going to be my future wife and I would give her the benefit of the doubt. well i lost my job at the beginning of march and was faced with a decision of either sticking it out in california completely broke, or moving to florida and living with my parents to get back on my feet, i felt the mature choice was to go to florida so i did. she told me that she would wait until we could be together again because we were meant to be. when i got out here everything seemed great up until this past week. i called her on friday night and she said she couldn't talk cuz she was watching a movie, I asked where she was and she said a friend's house, i knew that it was her ex-boyfriends without her saying. she called me a little later and said that she needed out of this relationship because she felt too guilty about not coming out to florida to be with me and that she wanted to move on with her life...then she hung up on. i kept calling her for the next 5 hours up until 6am with no answer, i began calling again at 12pm until I got ahold of her around 6pm. I was able to figure out that she wasn't at home, she told me she was at his house, i guess she spent the night over there. she told me that she wanted to be herself and she felt that she couldn't do what she wanted with me(her examples were smoking and doing drugs and being ghetto). she also felt that she wanted to go on with her life without worrying about me and also so she could begin college, i told her she wouldn't be able to even go to college had it not been for me, all she could say was that she is grateful. then she said that i was making it sound like her relationship was going to ruin her life. i asked what relationship catching her with her foot in her mouth, she was back with her ex-bf. i said "it doesn't take you long does it?" knowing I was about to break down on the phone I was able to muster these words..."have fun with my stuff"..."have fun with your life"..."good luck with your life"..."good luck with him"...then I hung up.

a couple facts: i have been in florida for exactly one month, and I was working to go back to california as soon as I could to be with her. her ex-bf was always in the background and I asked that she would be open with me about him but i guess she never was. she has a grip of my video games, probably a thousand dollars worth plus all my furniture from my apartment. I gave my life for her and risked everything that I had in numerous situations I've been in with her, and i planned on marrying her in the future. i know she wasn't perfect but my rationale to myself was that she did not have a great upbringing and i knew there would be baggage, but that is who she is and i'm not going to judge upon her past...I don't know if I can trust another person for a really long time.

so that was it in a nutshell, there is always more but that was what constituted this past weekend. but no matter how crappy and betrayed i feel, i find solace knowing that I still have great friends who were with me before I met her, and will be with me long after she becomes a crack whore on the streets of gardena. in a way i feel a burden has been lifted off my shoulders, but it will take time for me to be who i once was again. that was pretty long huh?