The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

Before my operation, the anaesthesiologists asked if I wanted to be knocked out via gas or boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it."

The man perplexed asks, "Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?"

The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not !! I want a second opinion... !!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docttah, always want operate, make more money that way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

"Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself."

My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious...

Or did she?

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"...

Stupid firemen.

A man goes home with a woman he met at the bar.

When they get back to her place, she says, "I didn't want to tell you before, but I've got a fetish. I'd love it if you fucked me with your big toe."

The man, an agreeable sort, goes ahead and does it. Has a pretty good time. But a few days later, he notices his toe is red and inflamed, then it starts itching and burning.

He goes to the doctor, who seems very confused. But after a few tests, he says, "I don't know quite how to explain it, but you seem to have toe syphilis."

The man says, "Well I'll bet that's about the strangest thing you've ever seen."

The doctor responds, "Oh, you'd be surprised. I mean, just the other day I had a woman in here with athlete's vagina."

Had a girl try to choke me during sex recently.

I was like woah woah woah, who kidnapped who here?

Did my taxes on Valentine's Day...

It was the only way I was getting fucked today.

Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do...

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.

What's the difference between a clitoris and Budweiser?

A clitoris only tastes like piss for a minute.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass.

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?" And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

3 inches of snow is enough to fuck Texas...

So why the fuck is my girlfriend complaining?

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow...

It's called a Ted Cruise.

A man scores a hot date.

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged. The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable pressure in his trousers. In an attempt to relieve the pain, he slowly undoes his fly.

Immediately, his penis lunges out onto the table, grabs a bread roll and vanishes back under the table.

His date, unsurprisingly shocked, slowly smiles and says, "could you do that again?"

The man, his eyes watering slightly, replies "probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my arse."

I went to a zoo and there was a baguette in a cage.

The keeper said it was bread in captivity.

A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused. "Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds "Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"

The doctor is flabbergasted and says "ok of course, pull your trousers down and I'll have a look"

As soon as the man's trousers drop the Doctor recoils and exclaims "Oh god! Pull your trousers up! That's awful!"

"You're right, the elephant has done a number on you, but I do have a question. My brother works in a zoo, and I've seen an elephants penis, and its like this"

The doctor holds his hands to the width of a side plate

"And your arsehole looks like..." He holds his hands to the width of a dinner plate "What happened?!"

The man responds, "I know. The bastard fingered me first."

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

Kegels aren't just for women!

It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.

What's the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire?

A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.

Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.

No! - exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

What did you tell him?

I told him that if he didn't ate his broccoli, his dick wouldn't grow.

The woman then stands up and slaps the man as hard as she can.

What was that for? - he asks, confused.

FOR NOT EATING YOUR BROCCOLI WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!

My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed...

But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds.

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.