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-   -   Can I see her twat??? (joke) (http://www.hstuners.com/forums/showthread.php?t=14665)

TimmyHollins 01-13-2021 03:38 AM

How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool on a hot summer day?

Blow a whistle and say, "Everyone out of the pool, please!” How do you get 20 Americans out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, "For your own good and the safety of others, stay in the fucking pool!”

TimmyHollins 01-14-2021 03:42 AM

I had a friend who worked in a sex toy warehouse. He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a lift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

TimmyHollins 01-14-2021 03:43 AM

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...

the dry-erase board has to be the most remarkable.

TimmyHollins 01-14-2021 03:44 AM

A wife gave birth to a redhead child. It was obviously not her husband's as he had black hair.

She asked the doctor to help cover it up. Doctor stepped out of the room to talk to the husband.

"How often do you have sex with your wife" he asked the husband. "About once every 3 months" husband replied.

"Well, then go see what your rusty cock made"

TimmyHollins 01-15-2021 04:06 AM

What has 6 balls and fucks all the poor people?

The lottery.

TimmyHollins 01-15-2021 04:07 AM

Two CEOs meet after...

One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:

"look I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."

The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does she do... You know other things?"

"You're welcome to take her for a spin" winks the first one.

So the other one takes her to the toilet and after fifteen minutes agonizing screams are heard from the toilet.

The first CEO slaps himself on the forehead and yells: "Shit! I forgot to tell him she has a pencil sharpener in her ass!"

TimmyHollins 01-15-2021 04:08 AM

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close refrigerator.

Q. It's the lions birthday and he invites everyone in the jungle. Everyone turns up but one animal, what animal is it and why?

A. The giraffe, he's in the refrigerator.

Q. Sally is an explorer. She is walking through a jungle when suddenly she comes across a crocodile infested river. There are no bridges over it. Sally swims over and is not bitten by a single crocodile. How?

A. All the crocodiles are at the lions party.

Q. Sally dies anyway, why?

A. She is hit in the head by a brick.

TimmyHollins 01-18-2021 03:31 AM

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.

One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

TimmyHollins 01-18-2021 03:32 AM

Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles...

You know, heroin.

TimmyHollins 01-18-2021 03:33 AM

A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man stammered, "Yes."

Bang! The robber shoots him.

He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"

TimmyHollins 01-20-2021 09:13 AM

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three-fourths', and 2/5 is 'two-fifths'."

"Thanks, I understand, "said the exchange student.

"Good," said the teacher, and then asked the student, "so how do you say 4/8?"

"Should I reduce?" asked the boy.

"That would be best," said the teacher.

"One-second," said the boy.

"Take as long as you need," said the teacher.

TimmyHollins 01-20-2021 09:13 AM

I can't believe how everybody's freaking out over that guy stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium...

He was clearly just taking a political stand.

TimmyHollins 01-20-2021 09:14 AM

The Nude Gambler

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A Very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand Dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t Mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice And yelled, “Mama needs new clothes!” Then she Hollered…”YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”

She jumped up and Down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all The money and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, One of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I don’t know, I thought YOU were watching!

TimmyHollins 01-21-2021 08:27 AM

I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record.

Didn't know you still need it.

TimmyHollins 01-21-2021 08:27 AM

Roses are red, reposting is lame...

[this post was removed due to a copyright claim.]

TimmyHollins 01-21-2021 08:28 AM

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

TimmyHollins 01-22-2021 11:08 PM

The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister: Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. And then, when I wished the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he said that it was on the next day.

Putin: Well, these are just minor issues.

Prime Minister: Minor issues?! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with their President? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't even taken off yet!!!

TimmyHollins 01-22-2021 11:08 PM

My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill...

So I sent him a "get well soon" card.

TimmyHollins 01-22-2021 11:09 PM

What do Alexander The Great and Winnie The Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

TimmyHollins 01-25-2021 06:01 AM

Just caught a disgusting pervert on the bus...

He was watching pornography over my shoulder.

TimmyHollins 01-25-2021 06:02 AM

A guy asks his wife, "Honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror?"

She replies, "because your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

TimmyHollins 01-25-2021 06:03 AM

A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'"

TimmyHollins 01-27-2021 11:55 AM

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the damn door you're never going to get in there!”

TimmyHollins 01-27-2021 11:55 AM

I think it's stupid my friend is having a meltdown over missing a puzzle piece for his 10K puzzle...

If he thinks that's bad, I'm missing 9999 pieces.

TimmyHollins 01-27-2021 11:56 AM

How does a German cowboy say hello?

Audi.

TimmyHollins 01-28-2021 07:47 AM

Betty White just turned 99 and she still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks straight from the bottle.

TimmyHollins 01-28-2021 07:47 AM

What do you call a potato that looks like a penis?

A dictator.

What do you call a regular looking potato?

A commentator.

There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?

The one that says Idaho on it.

TimmyHollins 01-28-2021 07:48 AM

How to become a millionaire:

Step One: Be a billionaire

Step Two: Short sell $GME

TimmyHollins 01-29-2021 08:14 AM

TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.

I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.

TimmyHollins 01-29-2021 08:16 AM

How do hedge fund workers jerk off?

They give it a short squeeze.

TimmyHollins 01-29-2021 08:16 AM

What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar?

An Uber so he can get home safely.

TimmyHollins 02-01-2021 01:36 PM

My dad told me once, son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't. So of course, I went, and he was right...

I saw my dad.

TimmyHollins 02-01-2021 01:37 PM

A man is sitting on his couch when the doorbell rings

He opens the door and there is a young man standing there.

"Hello. My name is Tobias. I'm here to f**k your daughter."

The man can't believe his ears: "To what?!"

"Tobias"

TimmyHollins 02-01-2021 01:37 PM

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the s**t out of their dogs.

TimmyHollins 02-02-2021 03:13 AM

Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.

The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "

The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."

The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."

They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay escort who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."

TimmyHollins 02-02-2021 03:14 AM

I used to enjoy sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality...

but then I realized, I was just beating a dead horse.

TimmyHollins 02-02-2021 03:14 AM

Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?

10+10=twenty 11+11=twenty too.

TimmyHollins 02-03-2021 07:12 AM

A Nazi walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Jew!"

Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazi's direction.

The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew".

The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Jew smiling broadly at him and waving.

Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?"

The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar."

TimmyHollins 02-03-2021 07:13 AM

Why does Melania need to be on top when she and Trump have sex?

Because Trump can only fuck up.

TimmyHollins 02-03-2021 07:13 AM

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman, and then my dog bit me. So, I come to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve, and then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?”

TimmyHollins 02-04-2021 03:27 PM

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

TimmyHollins 02-04-2021 03:28 PM

There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, saying "No, I lived a miserable life because of my bad luck and I refuse to let it dictate the end of my days!"

Passengers drew lots for the second time, he was chosen again. He refused for the second time, with less determination.

When the lots were drawn for the third time, his name was chosen once more. He refused again.

Finally, when his name appeared again after the fourth ballot, he said:

"OK, I agree to jump off the plane on one condition. You have to guess this correctly: What is the total number of testicles of me and the man in front of me?"

Passengers looked at each other with slight surprise and a grin on their faces and said "Four, of course!". The man laughed at them saying "No! You're wrong, as you see!" while revealing his proud, single testicle to them. Then the other man pulled down his pants...

He had three testicles.

TimmyHollins 02-04-2021 03:28 PM

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it...

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

TimmyHollins 02-05-2021 06:52 AM

I'm in a really bad place right now...

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

TimmyHollins 02-05-2021 06:53 AM

An Irish housewife is at home, being a homemaker, while her husband is away working at the Guinness factory.

When she hears a knock on the door.

Upon answering the door, she sees it is two of her husband’s friends and co-workers.

“Mary,” says the first co-worker, “I’m afraid we have some terrible news. You see, there was an accident at the factory today, and your husband fell into a vat of the Guinness.”

“My God!” Exclaims Mary, “will he be alright, how badly is he hurt!?”

“Well,” says the co-worker, “the fact is Mary, he didn’t make it, he drowned.”

“No!” Sobs Mary. “Please, tell me it was at least a quick death, and painless?”

“Well, you see, the thing of it is Mary, he got out three times to pee.”

TimmyHollins 02-05-2021 06:53 AM

Did you hear about the anti masker who died?

They went scuba diving.

TimmyHollins 02-08-2021 06:07 AM

My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing...

So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat.

TimmyHollins 02-08-2021 06:07 AM

“I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime, son.”

Son: “Was it something I said?”

Me: “Yes.”

TimmyHollins 02-08-2021 06:08 AM

I tried to lighten the mood at a party with a coronavirus joke.

Nobody laughed at first, but eventually, everyone got it.

TimmyHollins 02-09-2021 02:12 PM

A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood

The nurse asks, what's your blood type?

The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O."


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