Can I see her twat??? (joke)

[nonovurbizniz]

Here's another one a little better...

A midjet with a hair lip (cleff pallete makes you talk kinda like donald duck ssssthuffering sssthuckatash and what not.) wants to buy a horse so he goes down to the local stables...

"hello good ssthssir." he says....

"I'm interessthed in buying a horsssth.."

the stable manager says fine he'll take him around to look at some of the horses...

They walk through the stables and the midjet sees a horse he likes...

"very niccth very niccth... can you open it'sth mouth ssstho I can ssthee it'sth teeth?"

Guy says sure opens up the horses mouth... the midjet is impressed...

"very niccth very niccth...can you just lift me up so I can look inssthide the horssths' earsth."

Guy is a little weirded out but whatever if it sells the horse... so he lifts the midjet up and he looks in the horses ears....

"very niccth very niccth... Can you do me a favor and lift me up to look into the horsesth's eyes..."

Guys getting more than just a little weirded out/ annoyed by now... Sure I guess.

"very niccth very niccth..... Jussth one lassth thing... I'd like to see her twat."

NOW the Guy is FULLY wierded out and kinda angy. So he says "Whatever you say."

Lifts up the midjet and rams him up the horse's most intiment of places... and yanks him back out... "happy now" the guy asks...

the midjet is just standing there confused...

"I JUST WANTED TO SEE HER RUN"

get it twat...trot

[94_AcCoRd_EX]

hehe :D

[Jufranpnoy]

o man that was too funny. hahaha

[pdiggitydogg]

lol man I saw that comin a mile away...but I laughed anyway

[exzeltus]

good one, but should this line say...

"very niccth very niccth..... Jussth one lassth thing... I'd like to SEE her twat."

[nonovurbizniz]

good lookin out y0!

[RU_Teg]

lol:yes:

[juvenile]

lol :D

[Shot 2 Hel]

LOL

['87 integra]

lol...good one

[lawkmlaw]

:nana:

[TimmyHollins]

This doesn't seem to be funny. It isn't funny at all.

[TimmyHollins]

Guys, don't install adblock...

I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me anymore.

[TimmyHollins]

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet...

Because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

[TimmyHollins]

I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s been with.

She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights.”

[TimmyHollins]

A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.

Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."

Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"

Poodle: "That's not gonna work"

Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"

Poodle: "...No"

Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"

[TimmyHollins]

Ladies, PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect man.

I was almost kidnapped three times today.

[TimmyHollins]

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

[TimmyHollins]

In Sweden, the CEO of IKEA was just elected president.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

[TimmyHollins]

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!

Me: 911, what's your emergency?

[TimmyHollins]

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying. “What is your job?” “I’m a butcher” so they cut his thing with a knife “What is your job?” “I’m a medic” so they cut it with a scalpel Hours pass and the last man of the line comes crying in laughter. “We are about to cut your dick off and you are laughing” “It’s just that I sell ice cream, so you’ll have to suck it ‘til it disappears”

[TimmyHollins]

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is.

[TimmyHollins]

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

[TimmyHollins]

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

[TimmyHollins]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[TimmyHollins]

Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer...

But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.

He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high..he just couldn't stop as fast.

[TimmyHollins]

6:30 is the best time...

Hands down!

[TimmyHollins]

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

[TimmyHollins]

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”

And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.

Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”

“No. I’m Swedish.”

[TimmyHollins]

How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

[TimmyHollins]

An electrician comes home late...

Wife: "Wire you insulate?"

Electrician: "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I."

[TimmyHollins]

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all.

“How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

[TimmyHollins]

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."

[TimmyHollins]

Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband got home that night.

When they met the next day, Julia asked how it went. Anna immediately started crying.
“We’re getting a divorce!” she sobbed.
“What? What happened?” Julia asked concerned.
“I tried to do your trick, but as I laid my hand on his dick, it was actually quite warm. I didn’t know what to say, so I asked him:
Why isn't your dick cold, like Peter’s?”

[TimmyHollins]

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he had...

He started to count but he fell asleep.

[TimmyHollins]

What do the testicles and prostate have in common?

Nothing. There’s a vas deferens between the two.

[TimmyHollins]

I have daily sex

Edit: I have dyslexia*

[TimmyHollins]

Guns are like gum...

Pull it out in class and everyone acts like you’ve been best friends since kindergarten.

[TimmyHollins]

“Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing,” I said to my wife.

She said, “Wear your own then.”

[TimmyHollins]

What's the difference between the US Capitol and Mordor?

One does not simply walk into Mordor

[TimmyHollins]

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...

Now when I talk I have this weird Axe scent.

[TimmyHollins]

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no...

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

[TimmyHollins]

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list...

Now I can’t read any of it.

[TimmyHollins]

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex...

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

[TimmyHollins]

My wife often uses the promise of sex as a way to get little jobs done around the house...

The plumber told me.

[TimmyHollins]

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"

"Yes mom "

Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:

"Are you teaching maths to children by saying... 2+2, the son of a bitch is 4?"

There was silence for a moment

Then the teacher started laughing :

"What I taught them was... 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4."

[TimmyHollins]

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt...
nsfw
...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

[TimmyHollins]

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Pssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over..." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know... I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[TimmyHollins]

A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tries to take the step, but only to discover that she could not.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reaches behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more legroom to get on the first step of the bus.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! ! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends."

[TimmyHollins]

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and I have gone South.

[TimmyHollins]

How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool on a hot summer day?

Blow a whistle and say, "Everyone out of the pool, please!” How do you get 20 Americans out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, "For your own good and the safety of others, stay in the fucking pool!”

[TimmyHollins]

I had a friend who worked in a sex toy warehouse. He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a lift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

[TimmyHollins]

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...

the dry-erase board has to be the most remarkable.

[TimmyHollins]

A wife gave birth to a redhead child. It was obviously not her husband's as he had black hair.

She asked the doctor to help cover it up. Doctor stepped out of the room to talk to the husband.

"How often do you have sex with your wife" he asked the husband. "About once every 3 months" husband replied.

"Well, then go see what your rusty cock made"

[TimmyHollins]

What has 6 balls and fucks all the poor people?

The lottery.

[TimmyHollins]

Two CEOs meet after...

One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:

"look I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."

The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does she do... You know other things?"

"You're welcome to take her for a spin" winks the first one.

So the other one takes her to the toilet and after fifteen minutes agonizing screams are heard from the toilet.

The first CEO slaps himself on the forehead and yells: "Shit! I forgot to tell him she has a pencil sharpener in her ass!"

[TimmyHollins]

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close refrigerator.

Q. It's the lions birthday and he invites everyone in the jungle. Everyone turns up but one animal, what animal is it and why?

A. The giraffe, he's in the refrigerator.

Q. Sally is an explorer. She is walking through a jungle when suddenly she comes across a crocodile infested river. There are no bridges over it. Sally swims over and is not bitten by a single crocodile. How?

A. All the crocodiles are at the lions party.

Q. Sally dies anyway, why?

A. She is hit in the head by a brick.

[TimmyHollins]

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.

One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

[TimmyHollins]

Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles...

You know, heroin.

[TimmyHollins]

A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man stammered, "Yes."

Bang! The robber shoots him.

He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"

[TimmyHollins]

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three-fourths', and 2/5 is 'two-fifths'."

"Thanks, I understand, "said the exchange student.

"Good," said the teacher, and then asked the student, "so how do you say 4/8?"

"Should I reduce?" asked the boy.

"That would be best," said the teacher.

"One-second," said the boy.

"Take as long as you need," said the teacher.

[TimmyHollins]

I can't believe how everybody's freaking out over that guy stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium...

He was clearly just taking a political stand.

[TimmyHollins]

The Nude Gambler

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A Very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand Dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t Mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice And yelled, “Mama needs new clothes!” Then she Hollered…”YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”

She jumped up and Down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all The money and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, One of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I don’t know, I thought YOU were watching!

[TimmyHollins]

I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record.

Didn't know you still need it.

[TimmyHollins]

Roses are red, reposting is lame...

[this post was removed due to a copyright claim.]

[TimmyHollins]

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

[TimmyHollins]

The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister: Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. And then, when I wished the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he said that it was on the next day.

Putin: Well, these are just minor issues.

Prime Minister: Minor issues?! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with their President? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't even taken off yet!!!

[TimmyHollins]

My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill...

So I sent him a "get well soon" card.

[TimmyHollins]

What do Alexander The Great and Winnie The Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

[TimmyHollins]

Just caught a disgusting pervert on the bus...

He was watching pornography over my shoulder.

[TimmyHollins]

A guy asks his wife, "Honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror?"

She replies, "because your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

[TimmyHollins]

A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'"

[TimmyHollins]

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the damn door you're never going to get in there!”

[TimmyHollins]

I think it's stupid my friend is having a meltdown over missing a puzzle piece for his 10K puzzle...

If he thinks that's bad, I'm missing 9999 pieces.

[TimmyHollins]

How does a German cowboy say hello?

Audi.

[TimmyHollins]

Betty White just turned 99 and she still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks straight from the bottle.

[TimmyHollins]

What do you call a potato that looks like a penis?

A dictator.

What do you call a regular looking potato?

A commentator.

There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?

The one that says Idaho on it.

[TimmyHollins]

How to become a millionaire:

Step One: Be a billionaire

Step Two: Short sell $GME

[TimmyHollins]

TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.

I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.

[TimmyHollins]

How do hedge fund workers jerk off?

They give it a short squeeze.

[TimmyHollins]

What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar?

An Uber so he can get home safely.

[TimmyHollins]

My dad told me once, son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't. So of course, I went, and he was right...

I saw my dad.

[TimmyHollins]

A man is sitting on his couch when the doorbell rings

He opens the door and there is a young man standing there.

"Hello. My name is Tobias. I'm here to f**k your daughter."

The man can't believe his ears: "To what?!"

"Tobias"

[TimmyHollins]

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the s**t out of their dogs.

[TimmyHollins]

Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.

The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "

The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."

The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."

They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay escort who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."

[TimmyHollins]

I used to enjoy sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality...

but then I realized, I was just beating a dead horse.

[TimmyHollins]

Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?

10+10=twenty 11+11=twenty too.

[TimmyHollins]

A Nazi walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Jew!"

Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazi's direction.

The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew".

The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Jew smiling broadly at him and waving.

Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?"

The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar."

[TimmyHollins]

Why does Melania need to be on top when she and Trump have sex?

Because Trump can only fuck up.

[TimmyHollins]

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman, and then my dog bit me. So, I come to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve, and then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?”

[TimmyHollins]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

[TimmyHollins]

There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, saying "No, I lived a miserable life because of my bad luck and I refuse to let it dictate the end of my days!"

Passengers drew lots for the second time, he was chosen again. He refused for the second time, with less determination.

When the lots were drawn for the third time, his name was chosen once more. He refused again.

Finally, when his name appeared again after the fourth ballot, he said:

"OK, I agree to jump off the plane on one condition. You have to guess this correctly: What is the total number of testicles of me and the man in front of me?"

Passengers looked at each other with slight surprise and a grin on their faces and said "Four, of course!". The man laughed at them saying "No! You're wrong, as you see!" while revealing his proud, single testicle to them. Then the other man pulled down his pants...

He had three testicles.

[TimmyHollins]

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it...

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

[TimmyHollins]

I'm in a really bad place right now...

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

[TimmyHollins]

An Irish housewife is at home, being a homemaker, while her husband is away working at the Guinness factory.

When she hears a knock on the door.

Upon answering the door, she sees it is two of her husband’s friends and co-workers.

“Mary,” says the first co-worker, “I’m afraid we have some terrible news. You see, there was an accident at the factory today, and your husband fell into a vat of the Guinness.”

“My God!” Exclaims Mary, “will he be alright, how badly is he hurt!?”

“Well,” says the co-worker, “the fact is Mary, he didn’t make it, he drowned.”

“No!” Sobs Mary. “Please, tell me it was at least a quick death, and painless?”

“Well, you see, the thing of it is Mary, he got out three times to pee.”

[TimmyHollins]

Did you hear about the anti masker who died?

They went scuba diving.

[TimmyHollins]

My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing...

So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat.

[TimmyHollins]

“I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime, son.”

Son: “Was it something I said?”

Me: “Yes.”

[TimmyHollins]

I tried to lighten the mood at a party with a coronavirus joke.

Nobody laughed at first, but eventually, everyone got it.

[TimmyHollins]

A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood

The nurse asks, what's your blood type?

The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O."

[TimmyHollins]

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

[TimmyHollins]

Before my operation, the anaesthesiologists asked if I wanted to be knocked out via gas or boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

[TimmyHollins]

I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

[TimmyHollins]

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it."

The man perplexed asks, "Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?"

The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not !! I want a second opinion... !!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docttah, always want operate, make more money that way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

"Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself."

[TimmyHollins]

My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious...

Or did she?

[TimmyHollins]

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

[TimmyHollins]

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"...

Stupid firemen.

[TimmyHollins]

A man goes home with a woman he met at the bar.

When they get back to her place, she says, "I didn't want to tell you before, but I've got a fetish. I'd love it if you fucked me with your big toe."

The man, an agreeable sort, goes ahead and does it. Has a pretty good time. But a few days later, he notices his toe is red and inflamed, then it starts itching and burning.

He goes to the doctor, who seems very confused. But after a few tests, he says, "I don't know quite how to explain it, but you seem to have toe syphilis."

The man says, "Well I'll bet that's about the strangest thing you've ever seen."

The doctor responds, "Oh, you'd be surprised. I mean, just the other day I had a woman in here with athlete's vagina."

[TimmyHollins]

Had a girl try to choke me during sex recently.

I was like woah woah woah, who kidnapped who here?

[TimmyHollins]

Did my taxes on Valentine's Day...

It was the only way I was getting fucked today.

[TimmyHollins]

Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do...

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

[TimmyHollins]

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.

[TimmyHollins]

What's the difference between a clitoris and Budweiser?

A clitoris only tastes like piss for a minute.

[TimmyHollins]

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass.

[TimmyHollins]

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?" And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

[TimmyHollins]

3 inches of snow is enough to fuck Texas...

So why the fuck is my girlfriend complaining?

[TimmyHollins]

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow...

It's called a Ted Cruise.

[TimmyHollins]

A man scores a hot date.

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged. The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable pressure in his trousers. In an attempt to relieve the pain, he slowly undoes his fly.

Immediately, his penis lunges out onto the table, grabs a bread roll and vanishes back under the table.

His date, unsurprisingly shocked, slowly smiles and says, "could you do that again?"

The man, his eyes watering slightly, replies "probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my arse."

[TimmyHollins]

I went to a zoo and there was a baguette in a cage.

The keeper said it was bread in captivity.

[TimmyHollins]

A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused. "Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds "Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"

The doctor is flabbergasted and says "ok of course, pull your trousers down and I'll have a look"

As soon as the man's trousers drop the Doctor recoils and exclaims "Oh god! Pull your trousers up! That's awful!"

"You're right, the elephant has done a number on you, but I do have a question. My brother works in a zoo, and I've seen an elephants penis, and its like this"

The doctor holds his hands to the width of a side plate

"And your arsehole looks like..." He holds his hands to the width of a dinner plate "What happened?!"

The man responds, "I know. The bastard fingered me first."

[TimmyHollins]

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

[TimmyHollins]

Kegels aren't just for women!

It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.

[TimmyHollins]

What's the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire?

A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

[TimmyHollins]

A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.

Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.

No! - exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

What did you tell him?

I told him that if he didn't ate his broccoli, his dick wouldn't grow.

The woman then stands up and slaps the man as hard as she can.

What was that for? - he asks, confused.

FOR NOT EATING YOUR BROCCOLI WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!

[TimmyHollins]

My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed...

But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds.

[TimmyHollins]

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.